DEAR ALASKA AIRLINES

Dear Alaska Airlines: I get it. You had this kind of aloof, loner persona going, like the new kid who always sits in the back left corner and never talks to anyone, but then it turns out he holds like four video game patents and is worth 50 million but has to finish high school in order to fulfill some weird dying wish his great uncle had. But then the Pailin family came along and jammed you up. So you decided to swing off of whatever remaining mojo Richard Branson may be able to squeeze out of his ever sagging … Continue reading DEAR ALASKA AIRLINES

DEAR SHITTY MOM

Dear Shitty Mom: That’s right. I said it. You’re a shitty mom. And an even worse human being. I get it, Shitty. You’re tired. Your hole is blown out from fisting, lounging on the toilet (lid up) for countless hours while you give yourself a “home pedicure” and the ravages of gravity. Your other hole is blown out, (see: above stated reasons + years spent as drug mule/professional felching instructor.) Whoever was so stoned he forgot to pull out and blow a load on your face (a.k.a. your absent baby daddy/one time life guru) is no help. You have to … Continue reading DEAR SHITTY MOM

DEAR PEASANTS 

Dear Peasants: As the politically turbulent year of 2017 draws to a close, I have but one simple wish. That we, as a nation, can put aside our differences and band together to banish the ultra pretentious and mind numbingly empty phrase “MASTER CLASS” from our collective vocabulary. First of all, what, exactly, IS a master class? Never mind that the phrase sounds like the precise description of racial or gender domination by one group over all others. A class where you can go so some asshole can tell you why he is a “master” at life! Which basically requires … Continue reading DEAR PEASANTS 

DEAR WHITE PEOPLE

  Dear White People: Believe me. I understand. I am usually the whitest person in any situation I enter. I’ve never really had a tan. I am of Scandinavian descent (inbred), sometimes when I get my hair bleached, I become opaque if they leave the foils on too long. I grew up in the Midwest. I laugh too hard at my own jokes. It takes me a while to catch on to my surroundings. You know. I’m a fucking dork. So I understand better than anyone how boring it is to be relegated to the “White/Caucasian” box of every single … Continue reading DEAR WHITE PEOPLE

DEAR STATUE LIBERATORS

Dear Statue Liberators: I get it. Believe me. I am NO FAN of the man. It’s like, everywhere you go in this country, you have to be reminded of some shit some fucker did, like forever ago, you know, as if NOTHING has happened since our Founding umm … “Fathers” (seems partronizing) blew into various places, killed all the native fuckers whose rules they didn’t respect, then killed a bunch of British fuckers whose rules they didn’t want to follow, and then turned around and made up an entirely new set of rules that we all still fight about.  And … Continue reading DEAR STATUE LIBERATORS

DEAR HURRICANE HARVEY HEROINE

  Dear Hurrricane Harvey Heroine: I don’t have very many life goals. Or any. But if I DID, being a big enough badass to be chilling in a recliner, rocking a Flashdance style  off the shoulder top, wearing no bra, and calmly finishing a needlepoint project as filthy flood water rises, threatening to choke the life out of me, would be at the top of the list. You are my new life mentor/only old person I like since my grandmother died at age 101 on the heels of winning her nursing home Wii Bowling Championship. Get it, grandma. SS PS. … Continue reading DEAR HURRICANE HARVEY HEROINE