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Dear Desperado:

Great to know that you are on your way to New York to meet your girlfriend who is going to introduce you to a guy who is “from Zurich, went to Georgetown, has his own hedge fund loves big game hunting” and, therefore, checks “so many things” off your “list of requirements” that you need a new mascara for the trip.

To be clear. This man does not exist. If he does exist, your friend will keep him for herself. If he does exist, he does not need to be introduced to women. If he does exist, the fact that you have a mental check list that includes a man being from Zurich AND being a big game hunter is one of the biggest reasons he does not exist for you.

Try to remember. This guy has a checklist, as well. Somehow, I don’t think it includes chicks wearing spandex with awkward hair extensions who admit to having lists of requirements which she herself comes nowhere close to meeting.

Keep on keeping on with the fifty year old married accountant you are currently banging. Attempting to go this far out of your wheelhouse will only lead to disappointment.

SS

PS. The fact that this encounter is supposed to be going down in THE HAMPTONS only makes it more ludicrous.

7/17/2014