DEAR DUDES BEHIND ME

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Dear Dudes Behind Me:

Let me begin by saying that I am using the term “dudes” loosely. Very loosely. Admittedly, I have never been much of a group person. That’s right. I’m the chick sitting in the restaurant alone, listening to my headphones with a look of bewilderment on my face when I see more than three chicks sitting at a table together. The bigger the group? The more surprised I am. Because I can’t even stand my own bullshit for very long. So my bullshit times ten seems impossible.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not hating on chicks who do this. I am actually impressed. It shows an ability to compromise and control your egos in a way I have never been able to master. Simply put: I’m too cunty to get along with that many chicks at once. And I know it. It will not end well. I have never been on a girls trip. I don’t really understand a girls trip. Mainly because I feel like the best use of a hotel room is fucking and I don’t see how hanging out with a bunch of chicks improves my chances of getting laid. It seems like I just need to bring a guy so I have a sure thing. But that’s me. I’m practical like that.

I digress. While I find the number of chicks in a group to be directly proportionate to their impressiveness, the number of guys in a group has the exact opposite effect on me. So when I just had to suffer through your itinerary for the week complete with your list of “bros” who are going with you, (first and last names) I had to turn around and make sure that you were, in fact, a man. I mean, I get it. Bobby sounds amazing. But dudes need swag, my brother. They have to be DIFFERENT. It’s expected for a bunch of chicks to throw up gang signs with the exact same hair, makeup, dresses, hobbies and life goals! We are just not that original. Because you’re not that picky! We don’t have to waste precious time we could be using to talk shit about our besties trying to differentiate ourselves from all the other potential blow job mouths out there! It’s YOUR job to be original. There is a reason that The Beatles stopped wearing those stupid black suits. They had to let chicks know who was who. Why the fuck should Ringo get pussy meant for Paul when he was JUST the drummer?

Stay off our turf. Just walk around with your hands in your pockets and a ciggy hanging out of your mouth and maybe one other dude, Keith Richards/Mick Jagger style and leave the group shit to One Direction.

SS

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