Dear Target:

My ex mother-in-law once opined that while most people blame Walmart for the death of traditional retail, in her view the real culprit is you mofos. Her reasoning was that while Walmart customers know that they are getting cut rate garbage provided by slave labor, you cocks present yourselves as some kind of hip, kitschy alternative for the middle class and wealthy while surreptitiously providing equally cheap crap and deplorable working conditions.  

And, as was so often the case over twenty years, tonight I discovered that my nemesis was right. Again. 

To wit: This HELP button you have in all of your electronics departments. 

Like most humane Americans, I thought this was merely a button designed to alert one of your associates who works in the electronics department that I needed assistance. Little did I know that this button was, in fact, the retail equivalent of waterboarding. Why was my assumption so flawed? Because there ARE no associates working in electronics. Like most modern retail dinosaurs, you refuse to provide dedicated people to specific areas in favor of staffing a skeleton crew of employees who, once they are old and no longer on your healthcare plan, will certainly suffer debilitating future back and foot problems because they are forced to run all over the store in order to meet the SIXTY SECOND requirement set forth by this ruthless task master. 

After I pushed the button, a recorded voice assured me that someone would be with me within sixty seconds. I was then witness to the horror of two employees racing from opposite ends of the store to help me, each listening to some kind of circa 1945 walkie-talkie device which was screaming at them… “You have thirty seconds…you have fifteen seconds…” until one of them literally dived on the button, just under the wire, to shut it off and breathlessly offered to release my Beats Wireless headphones from their glass prison. 

I asked one of the employees if I could smash the waterboard, I mean, walkie-talkie, but she declined and politely told me she was there to “provide excellent customer service”. Which made my stomach hurt. 

Here’s the thing, Target. No one needs any of your stupid shit. It all breaks, tears or shrinks anyway. We all come here because you present yourself as a lifestyle company. But when I see that the lifestyle is being provided off the backs of two African-American teenagers running from either end of the store and diving on a button for minimum wage while being yelled at over walkie-talkies, the only thing I’m sure of is that this is a lifestyle I do not want to be a part of. 

Knock it off. 


PS. Now I know why your mascot is a white dog. 

One thought on “DEAR TARGET

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