Dear Tom Thumb:

I hate grocery shopping. Mainly because I have the most unsophisticated palate imaginable.  If I only had to feed myself, I could get everything I needed from the candy aisle near the register, grab a Coke and bounce. Unfortunately, I have other people in my life who eat real food designed for healthy humans for whom I have to shop. So…suffice it to say that the very fact that I am even here right now is not helping anything.

As if it wasn’t irritating enough that you have inexplicably completely rearranged your store for the third time in six months; as if it wasn’t utterly maddening that your produce is both expensive and inferior in quality; as if I wasn’t already aggravated by your antiquated, pre-World War Two check out process, you have the nerve to add insult to injury by hitting me up for even MORE money as I am finally seconds from making my escape from your ice cold food prison, in the form of the following question emblazoned on the payment keypad.

“Do you want to end childhood hunger?”

What kind of a fucked up question is that? Do I want to end childhood hunger? Or am I a heartless twat who is going to rush home and enjoy my six dollar gallon of ice cream and then use the store brand toilet paper that I accidentally bought because you made a wrapper that looks exactly like Charmin and I was preoccupied by the reality I am jealous of / vexed by the fact that Bruce Jenner’s hair looks perfect all the time even though he is supposedly caught offguard in tabloid pictures, to wipe my ass after I blow it out ten minutes later due to extreme lactose intolerance, while defenseless babies starve to death at my ruthless hand? Do I want to end childhood hunger?  Hmm…let me think about it… 

No. Do I want childhood hunger to end?  Yes. Do I want to end it? No. Do you know why that is? 

Because I want you to end it. 

You fuckers are the ones with the food!!! You are also the ones who just charged me five bucks for two apples. Do you know what that means? Not only do you have my five bucks, you also have an entire store still filled with exactly what is needed to end childhood hunger. FUCKING FOOD, you assholes. Effectively, you have the food AND my money. So it seems to me that you’re the ones who should be ending childhood hunger! 

Stop trying to make ME feel guilty for what YOU should be doing. You’re dicks. I don’t have the first idea why your store is named Tom Thumb, from what I can tell, that name  is two fingers off.

SS