Dear Caitlyn Jenner:

“Vanity Fair” has long been the publicity whore’s dream cover photo op, so it was no surprise that you chose Graydon Carter’s out of touch, masturbatory diary of neocolonialism as your launching pad. There is scarcely a publication on the planet that clings more desparately to the concept of white European dominance masked as progressivism. A true disappointment from a guy once involved in the subversive brilliance that was “Spy” Magazine.

But I digress. 

I read your thirty-three page sob story/interview. And all I can say is that I feel sad that the transgender community is now saddled with a dickbag like you as a spokesperson. There are undoubtedly thousands of other, more interesting stories of transition to be told, none of which are highlighted by the continual theme that fame whoring was a prison which kept the transgendering person from being able to transition. Here’s a thought. If being famous keeps you from achieving the soul cleansing experience necessary to make your life work, don’t attempt to be known as the premiere athlete in the world by participating in an OLYMPIC DECATHALON during the BICENTENNIAL. Also, stop marrying women you meet at the PLAYBOY MANSION who once fucked ELVIS. Yes. That Elvis. Typically, marrying a chick who sucked ELVIS PRESLEY’S COCK will not keep you out of the spotlight. Here’s another tip. Stop having children with women who advise their daughters to release SEX TAPES to the public. Again. Most likely, not the best way to fly under the radar. 

I could not care less what gender you are. You are a bore. And a boor. The fact that you missed the birth of your own child, ignored some of your children in favor of others, lived your entire adult life in the most opportunistic fashion imaginable, contributed to the Machiavellian value system which is personified by your television family and are now attempting to convince anyone that all of these appalling acts are even tangentially linked to your gender dysmorphia, is an insult to transgendering people everywhere. There are plenty of transgendered people in the world who are not morally bankrupt assholes. I mean really, Caitlyn. You are not interested in merely BEING a woman. You did not transition privately and quietly and relish in the opportunity to tie your hair up in a loose top knot and wear dirty sweatpants, no bra and a T-shirt to brunch. What you are interested in, is what you have always been interested in, what you have spent your entire life in pursuit of.

Doing whatever keeps you in the spotlight.

Dressing in expensive gowns. Wearing makeup. Having a killer rack. (no pun intended #vehicularmanslaughter). And you know what? All of those things are fun. Looking like a woman is fun. But at no time in this interview do you express an interest in exploring what it really is to BE a woman. You are not interested in what it is to be a woman. You are interested in expressing YOUR perception of what it is to be a woman. Which apparently consists of fancy clothes, make up and tits. And that is curious. Because you know who loves to see fancy clothes, make up and tits? 

Men.

This approach offends me. As a woman. And as a human being with the ability to reason. But you know what, Caitlyn? From what I can ascertain, it seems you don’t  know what it is to be a man, either. Perhaps you should focus less on the idea of gender and more on the idea of being a human being. Until you get that part figured out, the rest of this seems a bit premature.

You had better hurry up, though. When you’re naked, those balls have got to be about an inch above your knee by now. 

SS

PS. Tell Graydon I said thank you so much for finally publishing one article in the last ten years that doesn’t contain the word “bespoke”.