Dear ESPN:

Since #caitlynjenner made her debut, the media has been assaulting us nonstop with propaganda regarding your naming her the 2015 recipient of your #espy “Arthur Ashe Award for Courage.” Suffice it to say, I am not a fan of awards nor awards shows. To me, awards are the very embodiment of circular reasoning. People who want other people to think the way they do create an arbitrary award and then convince the public that everyone should get invested in the even more arbitrary winner of said award. The fact that the public inexplicably identifies with the random winner sets the stage for people to ignore the fact that there is absolutely no basis for offering the award in the first place, and, even more inexplicably, the masses embrace the concept behind the award for no other reason than the fact that the person who won the award was the winner. I mean, the very idea that OBJECTIVE standards can be applied to SUBJECTIVE concepts is absurd. But no one cares, because the entire exercise gives celebrities a reason to dress in designer donated clothes which cost more than most Americans earn in a year, get high, let the public know what peons we all are and then go home and fuck each other in the ass while we discuss “who wore it better.” (HINT: No one. It’s all SUBJECTIVE. These are trick questions. You’re welcome.)

For the sake of argument, let’s say there is a new award. A bunch of ancient white baby boomer media geezers whose ball sacks are dangling around mid-thigh finally realize that the only women who will suck their cocks are firmly on their payrolls. To wit: Their wives (and no one wants that) their mistresses (who are a little toothy due to the full set of veneers the old fuckers bought them as part of the “arrangement”) or internet prostitutes (see: “mistresses”) Those crazy nights when these codgers could pull on a pair of high waisted brown tweed pleated pants and a Members Only jacket over a Tommy Bahama shirt, spritz on the Drakkar Noir and score at will are, much like the elastin in their scrotum skin, a distant memory. Any rational human being would employ linear thinking, and realize that he is old, and that no amount of money nor power is going to turn back the clock to the glory days when women had to choke down on their rods in order to survive and the only time they saw a Mexican was on lawn day. The heady years of the 80s, when Reagan was a public figure so decrepit, the mental image of what his cock must look like so disturbing, that he made these executives look hot by comparison, are LONG gone. Obama’s junk seems TIGHT! Let’s just say his black half is probably from the waist down, if you know what I mean. B-HO is stepping ALL over these guys game! But these men are not rational thinkers. Unlike their loose balled predecessors of past generations, these guys are not just going to sit around, adjusting their nut flaps from side to side while young, undeserving fifty year olds get all the pussy.

So these fogies create an award, let’s call it the “Ron Jeremy Award For Cock Courage.” The name is a bit misleading, you know, because it implies that the award is for use of the ENTIRE cock, when in reality the old fuckers goal is to get chicks to start loving it when a dudes balls fall out of the side of his boxer short leg every time he pulls up his pants. The standards are intentionally vague. Basically, all you have to have, is a cock. The courage part is subject to opinion. Then, they give the award to Abe Vigoda the first year, and pretty soon, everyone is conflating the fantasy of “cock courage” with the reality of “hammock balls.”

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!

I’m not saying that you guys created an award so that you could convince the public to define courage fluidly and in any way you want it defined at any given moment, but I am saying that “cock courage” is not the same thing as “hammock balls.” Nothing you do is courageous. You are a for profit sports network. Trying to tie sports to courage is like trying to tie stripping to being a great mom. Sure you have a killer body and you know how to use it. But much like the stripper who is merely “working to put herself through school,” your entire schtick relies on exploitation and self delusion. Do the world a favor and spare us the fake morality.

SS

PS. Do the world another favor and explain why in the fuck you have an entire network dedicated to sporting events which happened DECADES AGO? (HINT: We already know who the winner is. ANOTHER HINT: Watching sporting events that took place before African Americans were fully participating will NOT magically transport you back to those days. Sorry.)