Dear Discount Diva:

We are all here for the same reason. To stock up on marginally luxurious mass produced hand soaps and bath gels at 75% off with the intention to use them as gifts for people who we don’t really like that much, put them away somewhere in the house, forget that we have the stash, buy new ones at full price when our sister in law’s ex-stepmoms chiropractor’s birthday finally rolls around and then accidentally stumble on them a year later while looking for that one porn DVD we kept from that time we threw our last boyfriends decoy spank bank AND the secret “All Anal Offerings” he hid in the Christmas light Rubbermaid bin, only by then all the scents have been discontinued so we can’t give them to anybody because they will know that it’s  last years product. 

Here’s the thing. The stuff you bought cost under a dollar for each item. Which is great. I applaud the effort. But it’s late. There is only one chick working the register and she is tired. Tired of people like you demanding INDIVIDUAL GIFT WRAPPING for each rock bottom priced piece of crap you’re going to pass off as an actual gift, undoubtedly to your housekeeper, nail tech or childs teacher since your complete lack of self awareness clearly prohibits you from having any friends who are not somehow on your payroll. 

Next time, do what normal people do and troll the bottom of your coat closet for last years gift bags, flatten a bag under a book to remove wrinkles (kind of) and then put the bath gel in the bag along with whatever tissue paper was left in there from your kids birthday, cut the name tag off the handles and let the rest of us check out so we can get back through Neimans before it closes so we don’t have to walk around. 

Remember. This shit is 75% off for a reason. No one wants it. I’m sure you can relate.


One thought on “DEAR DISCOUNT DIVA

  1. Dear Stealthie,
    I would be delighted if you were to begin penning a relationship advice column exclusively dedicated to those whom were jilted by budding, online “romance”. Please consider ?

    Liked by 1 person

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