Dear Parents:

If there is one thing I have learned from being a parent, it’s that I actually know nothing. I have no fucking clue what I am doing. I mean, I know for myself what I want to do. But when it comes to instructing others, I basically feel that they know more about what they should be doing than anyone else could. As a result, I continuously have to ask my children for help. And guess what? They know a lot. They are the harbinger of things to come. They adapt more easily to new experiences and their interest in trends tells me much about where life is going. So I get confused when I hear middle aged to old fuckers complaining that whatever the newest technology happens to be, is depriving todays kids of the following:

GOING OUTSIDE

Let me begin with this. Outside sucks. This is why we live INSIDE. Furthermore, people who are insistent that all the best things in life happen in outdoor environments do so because that is the environment in which they feel socially dominant. Rarely do you hear some dude who loves to climb mountains alone bitching that more kids need to become mountain climbers. Do you know why? Because he is climbing the mountain for himself. Not to impress nor influence others. And CERTAINLY not to socialize. The last fucking thing that guy wants, is a mountain full of loud mouthed moms trying to get their kids into rappelling. Typically, we are all exposed to the concept of being outside. Those who enjoy being outside have, say, INFINITE opportunities to open the door of their dwellings and go outside. Nothing is stopping them. What is far more telling, is that there was a time in this country when women sat around and did needlepoint while men read them the bible aloud in order to avoid being outside. That fun filled Saturday evening is how far they were willing to go to stay inside in the relative comfort of their rural shacks.  Why would it be AT ALL surprising that people would prefer being on a computer and communicating in dozens of different formats to, say, a forced game of tether ball with a bunch of kids who would also rather be inside gaming?

READING PAPER BOOKS

I have one word for all of you “authentic” book nazis: hieroglyphics. Oh and two more. Fuck off.

INTERACTING WITH NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS

I have news for you, There is a new neighborhood called “the world”. Maybe you’ve heard of it. You know what is awesome about the world? It doesn’t limit you to dealing with that one kid who always tries to spit on you when he talks and those bitchy twats who have been besties since their mothers did a joint ultrasound and only one of them knew that the one chicks husband was actually the father of both babies due to a laundry room quickie after the whole street had mass garage sale and donated the proceeds to combating feline hemophilia. In other words, the fact that your parents happened to shack it up in the same neighborhood as those other douchebags no longer has to dictate the people you spend time with. The internet allows you to find common ground with other losers who have zero social skills and happen to live in China. You know, if China allowed free speech.

CULTIVATING A LONG ATTENTION SPAN

There is no more ludicrous argument against the internet than this one. As a person with the attention span of a two year old, let me assure you that internet or no, when something doesn’t hold my interest, I have mentally checked out within ten seconds. This is a personality trait that has ZERO to do with technology. I mean, why in the fuck do you think they had court jesters? Because the king was BORED OFF HIS ASS after about a minute of hearing the latest conquests of his kingdom. So he needed to switch from Drudge to YouTube. And then five minutes on the porn channel, just for the good stuff. Then back to Drudge. THIS CONCEPT IS NOT NEW. Besides, if you have EVER had a gamer in your house, you will know that the only people in this country with LONGER attention spans are guys in prison who are constantly awake so that their assholes remain rigid.

In short, parents, you are dinosaurs. You want your children to do what you did so that you can have some kind of weird, cult like validation from people who have no choice but to do what you say. Balance is good. Exposure to different things is good. But people are people. And for a super fucking long time, ALL people have had the same goals: Living inside. Learning in ways which are meaningful and efficient. Avoiding people they don’t like who are in their personal space. And blowing off shit in which they have no interest as quickly as they can. ALL humans have these goals. That we have ways which allow children to reach these goals without having to interact daily with bullies who excel in more traditional social situations is called PROGRESS.

The seventies are over. Put your rabbit ears in the attic and get with the program.

SS