Dear Men Of Dallas:

From the beginning I knew something was a little bit off about you. You SEEM like you should be super hot. Athletic. Successful. Interesting. But sadly, much like the deeply buried blackhead on my forehead which promises to soon flourish into a rock hard chunk that I can expel and shoot across the room to my absolute exhilaration and instead withers and dies like Abe Vigodas aged cock, you are a never ending source of disappointment.

To wit: This living metaphor. This undersized piece of junk in a giant truck. Sitting in the middle of the street. Taking up two lanes. Yet somehow refusing to back up, even though he is the person who is on the wrong side of the street. This behemoth dinosaur. A live example of everything that is wrong with the men in this town. Knowing he is wrong. Yet clinging to some desperate hope that his fading “masculinity” will somehow get him through yet another day filled with bitter reflections of who he thought he was going to be and the even more bitter reality of who he actually is.

Guess what? It’s not working.

MOD, everyone knows you can’t get it up. And even if you do get it up it’s worthless because you’re so selfish. Much like this limp-dicked redneck squatting in his truck, refusing to yield, forcing everybody else to be late simply because he doesn’t want to acknowledge that the world in general is moving on without his tired schtick, the men of Dallas are caught in some sort of bizarre time warp. And let’s not blame it on the South, shall we? Because the South is actually very cool. I think we should blame it on the fact that y’all are not southern ENOUGH. Dallas is sort of caught in this nether region, the virtual taint of America, neither ass nor balls. Not sophisticated enough to be New York or Los Angeles. Not kitschy enough to be Nashville or New Orleans. So you just have to hang out like the aging bully from fifth grade who doesn’t put on muscle but instead gets fat yet still wants to fight the football players who actually go to weight training and learn how to make the most of their bodies.

Get to the gym, fuckers.

The rest of us are leaving your stale life philosophy behind. The women of this city are some of the coolest I’ve ever met. Eventually they are going to get tired of you too and move to more hip, less misogynistic places like Austin, Atlanta and Beijing.


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