Dear America:
I admit it. I do not like Thanksgiving. To me, this is a holiday that combines everything I spend the rest of the year trying to avoid. Large groups of people at the airport. Slow drivers. Heavy elaborate meals typically slaved over by groups of women cloistered in the kitchen followed by fake desserts like pumpkin pie which barely have any visible sugar in them. Forced conversation with people I have successfully ignored for the previous 364 days of my life. Even more forced phone calls with those who “couldn’t make it this year” (#luckybastards) Football and the requisite tedium of sports related statistics. Plus dreadful awkward public praying. I have long wondered why I seemed to be the only person I know who feels this way when every other American is tearing up at the mere thought of seeing a giant turkey ass stuffed and staring them in the face. Finally, this year, it hit me. 

We love Thanksgiving because it’s the one day a year we can pretend that we aren’t bullies.  

America is, of course, the ultimate conundrum in that we are ostensibly a country founded on the premise of escaping bullies yet are successful only because of our incredible ability to bully. How do we do it? Abundant natural resources. Organized intelligent government. And a firm belief in our collective moral imperative. No holiday better exemplifies our arrogant national pastime of fucking everyone else over for “the greater good” and then telling people they need to take the day off and express gratitude for the fact that we still have so many left to fuck over in the next 364 days. And not only do we demand everyone take the day off, we also love to tell people exactly how to do it. You must enjoy your family’s company. You must love a big meal. You must love sports. You must thank God.

Guess what? Not everyone enjoys the company of his own family. Look at it this way. All of the people you hate the other 364 days of this year, all of the people who annoy you and piss you off, those people have families. If you don’t like those people, what makes you think their families like them? And let’s not forget the OTHER great American pastime of fat shaming. Ladies, please lose your baby weight BEFORE you bring the baby home. Food is overrated anyway. The last thing that baby needs to see is a fat ass mom with sloppy tits. Oh and by the way, food is super important so I need you to have a twenty pound turkey with all the trimmings stuffed and on the table by the time the game starts. Also ONLY ORGANIC TURKEY because we cannot keep feeding people those inorganic, carbon free foods. And by the way no one should be working on Thanksgiving. Because that’s practical. And also because, you know, no one needs money to buy the insanely expensive “organic” turkeys. Because that’s a thing and not a made up marketing scam. 

America, it’s time to own it. We got here because we are the best bullies in the world. It’s time to stop throwing your hands up and wondering why your child is getting bullied at school. Your child is getting bullied because every American is a bully. The reason you are surprised is that you have convinced yourself that your life view is everyone else’s life view; that your constant droning about things important to you does not constitute bullying simply because you threw the words “family”, “puppy”, “less advantaged” or “God” into it. Is there even a need to qualify your life in such a manner? The American culture of gratitude, charity, and compassion is evident in every day life, all the time. No other country shares its abundance as readily as we do. No other country works as tirelessly to check itself and ensure that we, as a nation, remain in line with our guiding principles. No other country allows, or perhaps more accurately, demands that its citizens rip on political candidates in order to remind us all that they are no better than the rest of us. Yes, we are a nation of shameless bullies. But we are also a nation of shameless givers.

No need to demand that we all hit our knees and appreciate that reality together, your way, on one contrived day. We can each appreciate it in our own way. That’s the entire point. Geez. 

Lighten. Up. 

PS. Please see “Easter” as a future reference for combining food + candy. Thank you. 

One thought on “DEAR AMERICA

  1. Au contraire mon ami. We got where we are by establishing a form of government that couldn’t bully us. We’ve now let that get away, of course, so now we’re getting bullied by it and by everyone who thinks we succeeded at their expense. But, you’re right about Thanksgiving. Burp! “When did you say you were leaving?” Go Pack!!


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