DEAR FESTIVAL NOVICES

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Dear Festival Novices:

Everyone loves to rip on the Millennials. They’re lazy. They’re entitled. They refuse to buy into the system. They want to live at home forever. Whatever. You know what? I think that’s all awesome. If you can get someone else to do all the work? Why not? And really, what does “entitled” even mean? That word is so overused at this point, its utterance does nothing more than conjure up a tertiary image of some basic definition that had relevance during the height of the British Empire. Entitled to what? A fuckload of student loan debt and zero job prospects? Five dollar a piece apples because farmers et al have to conform to a bunch of regulations dreamed up by bored, wealthy housewives who want to appear to be relevant by making insane demands on the agricultural supply chain? Entitled to shutting the fuck up unless what they have to say doesn’t invade another persons “safe space?”

I mean, get serious. What kind of bullshit destiny are these motherfuckers heir to? One where the Boomers won’t retire, the Xers had all their retirement blown away, and the powers that be want all the lines to be so blurred, that any and every form of speech is suspect, oppressive and one step from being banned?

And exactly what system are they supposed to be “buying” into? The one that gives consistent forums to guys with haircuts like Sean Hannity and Al Sharpton? Really? This is what they are supposed to crawl out of their parents basements to achieve?

I, for one, say DON’T DO IT. Stay off the grid. The grid sucks. It’s a lie. It’s not fun AT ALL. Keep doing what you’re doing. I say this for many reasons, not the least of which, is that the few times you DO venture into reality, you aren’t very good at it. To wit: your apparent inability to just force your way to the front row of a concert, like any self respecting Nirvana fan would have done at your age. I get, it. You want to see the artist play. So do what the pros do, put your head down and elbow your way to the front. Stop making eye contact with everyone you are fucking over, stop asking for permission to fuck them over and for gods sake stop lying about fucking them over.

Just do it.

I know that slogan came and went before your day, but there’s a lot of truth to it. I mean, I realize I just said don’t do it. And I meant it. But then if you are going to do it, then just do it. Or just don’t do it. Either way. But please knock off the half assing. 

We all want what we want. And nine times out of ten, the only way to get it, is to take it. Don’t worry, there are no more dangerous mosh pits or deadly crowd surfers to contend with. All the billionaire insurance giants put an end to those super fun shenanigans before you made it to kindergarten. So really, it’s just a bunch of stoners who had nothing better to do than save space up here for a few hours before the show started. They mean you no harm. And if they get nasty, offer them a hit off those stupid fucking vape things you have glued to your palm.

And one other thing. The best place to meet and divide your stash is probably NOT in front of the port-a-potties. I know it seems so disgusting that no one would suspect what you’re doing, but, in fact, it is so disgusting that everyone knows exactly what you’re doing.

Go home and stream it.

SS

PS. You’re welcome.

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