Dear City People:

I know your story all too well. Anything we can do, you can do better. We are “unsophisticated”, “white trash”, “common.” I’ve heard it all before. Guess what?

You’re right.

You are all super smart. You know how to “maximize efficiency” how to “get the job done” and “what the fuck is going on.”  You can take a simple, silly idea like feeding your family and friends and turn it into a giant clusterfuck of epic proportions. You can have a small, “organic” garden in your “condo common area” and produce enough “ethically cultivated” cucumbers to almost feed yourself for a day, and then force a bunch of federal legislation that makes it cheaper for a family to eat at McDonalds than it is for them to eat at home! Way to go!

You can also genetically engineer miniature versions of actual animals and sell them to OTHER city people who think it’s “kitschy” to have a “farm animal” in their high end town homes and or beach houses. In Newport Beach, there is no shortage of this animal known as a “teacup pig” on his or her owners leash, making its way through Fashion Island on any given afternoon.

I know. Sooooooo cute and funny, right? It’s a PIG. You know. A PIG. A filthy animal. At NEIMANS. With all these classy ladies and expensive clothes. GET IT??? It’s  IRONY.

Here’s the thing. It’s actually not ironic. It’s fucking stupid. The pig doesn’t want to be paraded around in doll clothing simply because your ovaries are dried up, no one was willing to have a child with you and/or your dogs keep running away in a desperate attempt to find real homes. Pigs are not pets. I mean, they CAN be pets. Kind of. You know, if you live on a farm. And you take pride in raising them as part of your actual life. As opposed to using them as props to fill up your empty, meaningless existence.

On my way to Iowa, I stopped in Chicago for one day. Or as Chicagoans like to think of it, “just enough time for nineteen homicides.” I went shopping, caught a Cubs game and had an amazing pizza. City stuff. Now I’m in Iowa. At the fair. Doing Iowa stuff. I propose that city people stick to what you’re good at. Murder, government corruption on a mass scale and staging awesome concerts. And let us country folk handle the animals.



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