It’s almost “that time.” When all registered American voters, dead and alive, exercise their will through our process of free elections. It seems like only yesterday that a calm, plastic faced, helmet haired, Ivy League graduate from an odd, misunderstood religious background; automaton “Mitt Romney” was running against a cool, stone faced, aerodynamically perfect haired, Ivy League graduate from an odd, misunderstood religious background; robot “Barack Obama.” Both men; too sophisticated, intellectual and aloof to give America any kind of interesting throwdowns. Class acts. Unwilling to descend in the muck.
What a difference four years makes.
This year, American voters are thinking about maybe, possibly, taking the day off/rising from the grave (weather permitting) to cast votes for one of two new major candidates. The Democrats have put their money on a shrill, rubber faced, helmet haired, Ivy League educated political veteran who also happens to have a pussy. Allegedly. I mean, no one is asking for verification, believe me. But her “husband” claims to have hit it at least once, the constant cameltoe carved into her “Mao Tse-Tung Collection” pantsuits as well as her inability to control her emotions serve as evidence enough that she does, in fact, have two “x” chromosomes, (sadly for her though, not the “triple x” Bill seems to prefer…) By contrast, her opponent is a brash, orange faced, aerodynamic incongruently coiffed, Ivy League educated political novice who also happens to have a set of saggers which have been tea bagged by at least three different Stepford chicks, (that we know of), over the past thirty years. Yet, in what appears to be a show of no confidence in his own wives, he is not a fan of ACTUAL Republican tea baggers. (#suspect)
In contrast to their predecessors, these two blowhards have absolutely zero intetest in decorum. Trump essentially says whatever pops into his head, like an improv comedian who also happens to be kind of good at math and buying stuff. Hillary, of course, cannot ever say anything that pops into her head, because there is a good chance that it is either an outright lie, or will conflict with a lie she previously told. Or both. This degenerate race to the bottom is characterized by unsustainable levels of hyperbole, baseless accusations, name calling and constant commentary on each candidates physical appearance.
In other words? It’s the best election of my life.
Let’s just admit it, America. Classy people are bores. They’re no fun. They never do stupid shit like call Rosie O Donnell a fat pig or kill Vince Foster. Who among us believes that our “revered” founding fathers were in any way classy? They relied on the immoral brutality of slave labor. Slaughtered Indians. Subjugated women. They took shits outside. And did not wipe. Carried guns to church. Wore the same clothes for weeks at a time. Ate with their hands. After not washing them post-turding. (Spoiler alert: sushi was not a “thing” in the late 1700s, so they were eating stuff like mutton. And dingleberries.) They were assholes. They openly hated their enemies. And through their aggressive hardcore battles, a constitution which we still respect and utilize, was born.
I’m not sure when America decided that the president is supposed to be nice. Or calm. Or friendly to enemies. Or refrain from killing people who threaten our way of life. Americans have done obnoxious, morally offensive things in the name of patriotism proudly for over 200 years. It’s who we are. I am also uncertain exactly when Americans decided that the First Amendment, written at the same time as the Second Amendment, (as well as eight others), is somehow the defining charter for the United States with regard to the hierarchy of freedoms. I mean, ok. It was written first. But you know what? We thought “Star Wars” was written first and made all kinds of ridiculous decisions around that fallacy but then it turned out that it was just kind of jammed in the middle, like the right to a speedy trial (snore) in the Bill of Rights or “honor thy mother and father” (as if) in the Ten Commandments. Also “The View” was the first all female talk show in America. Does that mean that Whoopi Goldberg’s weak urethra and Joy Behar’s Stone Age hole are somehow more important than Julie Chen’s stretched out pea pod and Sharon Osborne’s asscrack transplant, simply because “The Talk” came along second?
I think not.
Wake up, America. We are just not that nice. We do what we feel we have to do to survive and thrive. Sometimes the results are great (banishing Ted Cruz to relative obscurity for the foreseeable future.) Sometimes, not so great. (Death penalty. Ever. For any reason.) But we all keep fighting, ripping on each other, and openly lying about our self interest in order to create fake moral imperatives in the hopes of shaming weaker people to abandon logic in favor of emotion. (WHO CARES ABOUT FAIR WAGES, THERE IS A PUPPY AT RISK, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!? YES, IT IS RABID. IT HAS ATTACKED A FEW DISABLED VETERANS. BUT IT’S A FUCKING PUPPY, DONT YOU GET IT?) This non intellectual free for all that we call the American election cycle is our birthright. It’s loaded with hypocrisy, false promises, outrageous personal attacks, and THIS YEAR??? (Thank God) Endless humor. Trump’s continual castigation of Rubio, Cruz, Hillary et al is nothing short of a gift to the public for which we should all be eternally grateful. Why?
Because that is how people in America talk to and about each other. Every. Single. Day. Who wore it best? Which star secretly has cellulite? Who is your boss banging? Why did Tina wear that fucked up pair of high waisted pants that accentuate her uneven twat lips? Does your neighbor REALLY have a million dollars, or is he illegitimately hanging out with the desperate losers in YPO? Is Will really that “tired” or does he have the early stages of cock burn?
We all do it. Constantly. Why shouldn’t Trump do it? Here’s what I’ll say. When you are willing to stop trying to guess the “real reason” that your last Tinder hook up smelled like his balls are actually part of his asshole, (HINT: He is ALSO on Grinder. You’re welcome) then I’ll stop laughing at Trump accusing Hillary of sleeping when she isn’t giving speeches. Maybe. I mean, I’ll try to stop. The president is human. He or she is elected by other humans. Unless you live in Illinois, in which case he or she may be elected by former humans. If you want your president to stop being superficial and ripping on people’s looks? You stop. Stop watching The Bachelor/ette. Now. If you want your president to stop lying? You stop. Stop making shit up when you’re late to work. If you want your president to be a better person?
You be a better person. Until then? Fuck. Off.
If you want your president to be younger than seventy, free of the eternal prison of Depends, viagra and Life Alert buttons?
Move to Canada. Or vote for Gary Johnson.