Dear Dr. Oral:

Ok. 

I could just stop right there. I mean, I kind of want to. Because in a way, I feel like the fact that you expect ANYONE IN THE WORLD to take you seriously in the field of medicine in general, let alone the field of pediatrics, with the name “DR. ORAL” strains credulity. But, after doing a little research on you, I see that you are originally from Turkey, so that explains your complete lack of both self-awareness and humor. I know, I know, it’s so UNFAIR of me to invade your safe space by pointing out that the Turks are historically total fucking bastards. But I feel comfortable with it, because I am mainly ethnically German, and am therefore only marginally less an asshole than you are. The major distinction being my all consuming self-awareness/narcissism , in contrast to your inability to look inward/victim mentality.  The German way does, however, lead to the same overwhelming sense of hopelessness, despair and general lack of lightheartedness that has defined your populace for centuries. 

In other words: I know I’m a dick. 

So I get it when other people are dicks. I expect them to be dicks. You are an even bigger dick than I am, only you don’t know it. So you want to tell everyone else how to NOT be a dick. But the problem is, you don’t know anything about not being a dick. Because you’re such a fucking dick. This thought process has plagued the Turks since the beginning of recorded history, and it shows no signs of slowing down. I mean, you guys can’t even get into the Euopean Union! And those fuckers will take ANYONE at this point. (See: Lithuania) 

But I digress.

Dr. Oral, I read the Iowa City Press-Citizens account of your recent criticism of the University of Iowa mascot known as “Herky.” Now I will grant you, Herky is a stupid fucking name. But in full disclosure, I went to Tulane, and there is no more ludicrous mascot than the Green Wave. So I don’t really feel like my self worth is attached to a symbol characterized by some stoner willing to wear a disproportionately large plastic head and unitard combo while dancing in an attempt to get people who have zero athletic ability to believe they are somehow important enough to a teams success to keep jiltng all of their heirs in favor of donating their estates to academic institutions.

But that’s just me. 

Whereas most national publications merely summarized your perspective, the ICPC standards of journalistic integrity know no bounds. They actually included some of your raw, thought provoking quotes. To wit: “I plead with you to allow Herky to be like one of us, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, sometimes angry, sometimes concentrated…” and  “I would like to bring to the Faculty Senate’s attention that the attached Herky images are totally against the nonviolent, all accepting, nondiscriminatory messages we are trying to convey through campus.” 

Interesting. You know what? I plead with you to join reality on planet earth. One thing that is supposed to distinguish psychologically healthy people from crazed zealots, is the ability to differentiate between fantasy and real life. I know that Herky is a brown eyed, ruthless looking, oddly proportioned dude who appears to have a massive ego and more self esteem than he should, and whose only purpose is to manipulate others through intimidation. I know you two look a lot alike. So I can see how this issue is weighing on you. But I urge you to take a deep breath and calm down. In the immortal words of one of modern America’s preeminent mediators, a person whose career, much like yours,  has also been dedicated to helping both parents and children, the esteemed Maury Pouvich: 

Herky is NOT your father.

Lighten. Up. 

SS

PS. I once knew a plastic surgeon in Phoenix who everyone used to call “Dr. Oral” but I’m pretty sure it was for a different reason. Please get with the program.