Dear ACL Assholes:

Ok. I know I’m old. I mean, I dragged my saggy ass over here at 2:30 with no makeup on and unwashed hair, wearing chevron striped knit flare leg beach pants that are two inches above my ankle, boy short underwear from 2009 with the crotch lip area stretched out just how I like it, a ten year old tank top that used to be black but has been washed so many times it’s now the color of the mysterious bruise I ALWAYS have somewhere on my thigh/shin/knee, a bra with one missing underwire and Chucks, just so I would be as comfortable as humanly possible. I caught the end of Saint Motel, jumped around to LL Cool J for an hour in the insane humidity, applied an extra large Aspercreme lidocaine back patch to my sciatica to numb my right side, used my asthma inhaler and choked down a handful of Advil with two full cans of Coke so I could mosh a little bit at Cage the Elephant and was still so fucking tired I had to bag Kendrick Lamar.

I get it. My festival days are numbered.

But here’s the deal. Like each of you two fuckers, I bought ONE wristband to get in to this cluster. And I feel like that one wristband buys me enough space for myself, a bag or backpack, maybe a small chair (if I was a pussy and used a chair at a fucking outdoor music festival, which I would never do. But you get the idea) or blanket to sit on. What the wristband does NOT buy me, is enough area to recreate the bedroom setup I have in my grandmas crawl space. You cannot be serious with this shit! What are you, 20 years old at the most? This is a CONCERT. With REAL, LIVE PEOPLE. The entire point of the endeavor is to enjoy the same music you hear from that one working speaker your Uber drivers car has, while simultaneously entering reality and being forced to touch the bare skin of disgusting people who you would normally never come into contact with in everyday life, most of whom are on some kind of drug and don’t even know that they are there, let alone that their bare feet are bleeding and infected from the various bodily fluids we are all standing in. Why else would we be here?

Meanwhile, you two space hogs are taking up, like, five wristbands worth of area by dragging in your bedroom futons, and then fashioning some kind of makeshift rug to place your supplies on, therefore depriving at least three other people from having decent seats. You know what? There’s already a place you can go to sit with your backs to each other, listen to music, text and drink an endless supply of bottled water.

It’s called: your own bedroom.

Music festivals demand interaction, you fuckheads. Believe me. I hate everyone I meet as much as the next person. In fact, here’s a newsflash: We all hate each other! That’s the human condition. This is why we have things like concerts, so that people have an actual reason to leave their houses and take in the pungent aromas of people from all walks of life. Cage The Elephant is never going to come to your house and play a show. Ever. So you know what? You don’t get to bring your fucking house to a Cage The Elephant concert. You have to choose. Live music? Or night 2,365 in a row of jerking off to Japanese anime while eating Hot Pockets?

You can’t have both.

Get the fuck out of here. Seriously.


PS. For what it’s worth, I vote for the anime. You’ve made it this far without interacting with actual humans. Why ruin a good thing?

135 thoughts on “DEAR ACL ASSHOLES

  1. Wow..shocked in two ways, actually three. I had no idea the extreme negativity and attack dog mentality that circulates in the comments section, (appearance of hatred is so ugly), everyone needs to settle the fuck down. This piece is clearly meant to be entertaining!! Number 2: I had no idea the dislike and judgement that is focused on older women, particularly single moms, I am both. I have lived through more than most could have and love all the bands at ACL. I am shocked to find out it is frowned upon to attend? Silly, geriatric me! I thought that’s what music was about? One of the things that bridges and transcends! Lastly, if you are going to have guns out, please check your grammar. We can’t take you seriously and it diminishes our opinion immediately if you still can’t differentiate: you’re and your. Their, they’re, and there are some other examples to hone in on. Assholery needs grammatical perfection to really make an impact! (Even if Cage the Elephant performed at your house)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nicely said. I don’t mind the attacks, I mean, I am openly calling people fuckheads. I just wish the attacks were funny. I do think it’s odd that people still find the idea of being a single mom or even a single woman to be a pejorative.


    2. This was an awesome article! We attended last weekend and like you, our festival days are numbered. We venture out once a year and make it a point to go to ACL and it’s become one of my favorite traditions regardless of the weather or how much work I have to bring with me. But to see those chairs there was very dishearteningโ€ฆ You’re in one of the most beautiful cities in the United States outside with perfect weather and people from all walks of life who are all there to share in the same universal passion that connects us allโ€ฆ Music. Wonderful, beautiful, eclectic music. I had the same exact feelings and it was a funny read. But for real though, it’s very irritating, and I hope they are band next year like selfie sticks (Thank god). Love, geriatric east Texans


    3. Everything said in this comment is correct.
      Most of the original posting was fine.
      But DAMMIT!!! Did you HAVE to mention Hot Pockets cause now I’m craving a ham & cheese one like a world class attack of the munchies just hit!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so glad you have a blog, now I can get my SS humor fix. Sarcasm is a language only the best of us know. Im not sure what’s worse, that I read this entire thread or that people actually believe these kids were entitled. Miss you๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I gave up on the festivals because old. And curmudgeon. Why get upset? These new festgoers are calling the shots now. Mommy made it okay for them to make up their own rules and what they really want is Woodstock, which didn’t go so well the 2nd time around, so f@ck NY. Bring your magic carpets to TX and, “No dude…you CAN’T stand on it to get closer to the stage.”


  4. Hummm…. I would have just snuggled my old wrinkling musty-smellin’ ass right up on them and spread out on their blanket… helped myself to their snacky-snacks and bored them with an ear-full of the good ole’ days before ACL when Aquafest was the rage!!! Punks!


  5. I respect your hot take and I raise you another.

    While chairs are for pussies, ACL is one of the few pussy festivals for allowing chairs.

    Now, those little inflatable things – let’s call them douche canoes – were made to circumvent the no chair rules of other festivals. They started popping up at Outside Lands this year and I realized that of course I’d see something like that in pussy ass San Francisco at a festival where the tech community measures how great their job is on whether their startup rented a cabana at the festival for them.

    So while these people are pussies, we knew what we were signing up for and that’s a little bit our fault.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m from Austin and to see the change is amazing. It’s the same that older people thought about my generation with our weed and ecstasy. It’s all a trend just let it happen and fade


  7. Ex-employee of La Zona Rosa, All the versions of Backyard and Austin Music if the crowd ever sucked at Music Hall I would manage crowd thru HVAC...jking says:

    I wouldn’t hate on them. I would wait until it gets alittle crowded.
    Then poof i would accidentally have either the hot end of whatever i am smoking or the pointy end of my pocketknife deflate those douce canoes. Then drop them each $9.95 to cover my mistake with a smile.


  8. Are you kidding? I think I fucking love you ๐Ÿ™‚ You complete me. Yes, my joints are surgically altered, and I get mad when security questions my pocket full of migraine meds, and I crowd surfed with more confidence one baby and sixty pounds ago. But he’ll if you’ll ever see me with a chair on the floor! Shows are the best, they are missing out.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. So I’ve been thinking over the best way to respond to this since it came to my attention Tuesday. Wondering if this is even worth time or effort. Because really, it isn’t. I’m surprised you found it worth it. But if anyone has a reason to respond, it’s me. You explained some things about yourself, so I’ll explain some things about me.

    I’m almost 30, a social worker for homeless families, a volunteer with an animal shelter, and an advocate for topics worth real time like domestic violence, mental health, racism, child abuse, homophobia, and more. This is my world every day. I spent one weekend at ACL with my partner, my sister, her boyfriend, and even a couple of their friends. What we did was in line with ACL culture and rules. But it wasn’t the “right” way in your self-proclaimed “old” opinion.

    You’re trying to teach me and all the “entitled” Millennials a lesson. Except the lesson this teaches is not the one you intended. The only thing you were right about is being there for the music. Curious you mention this though since instead of focusing on Cage the Elephant, you focused on two people at least 10 feet behind you in the chair zone, complained to your husband, took photos disguised as selfies, and planned how harshly you would trash complete strangers online that same day. Your ideal festival experience was at least 100 feet in front of us (in your words) “pussies”, so according to you, you should have been there.

    Here’s the real lesson you taught the internet: You know you’re privileged when you spend all day at ACL with 35 bands, great food, good beer and wine, but all you get out of it is a bitch session about two people you’ve never met. Here’s my lesson for you: My festival experience is not dependent upon your approval. Get over yourself. You want to have a bad, judgmental attitude? Fine. Don’t make the rest of us suffer for it. Oh, and you really shouldn’t loop yourself in with “old” people. They’re actually just adults and the majority of them don’t attack random people over nothing in such a cowardly, hateful fashion.

    But seeing your other responses, you’ll just double down and pretend you aren’t bashing real, live people on a worldwide platform. Just the “them” flavor of the week. So you keep doing you. I’ll be working on more important things: affordable housing in Austin, resources for families, and crushing xenophobia.

    Guess I can cross that last one off for today too.


    1. You should have gone with your first instinct. This response is definitely not worth anyone’s time or effort. This blog isn’t a place to post online resumes. It’s SATIRE. if you don’t think it’s funny, don’t read it. No one gives a fuck. If people want to read your take on the myriad of social issues you think you know so much about, tell it to the UTNE Reader, The Atlantic or Mother Jones. Start your own blog. Whatever. Why waste the time of people who want to laugh just because you are miserable?

      I will say, am intrigued as to how you are currently “crushing xenophobia.” ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ that’s a good one.

      Please advise.


      Liked by 1 person

  10. Courtney secretly loves that you used her picture…I’m willing to bet that she’s lounging in her blow up couch staring at it right now sucking up all the shares and likes as if they are all for her.

    I also find it so fucking weird that people use being old as an insult when they will all be old soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Someone said Aquafest. That was cool. I wish I could afford ACL. But I’m too busy paying rent for a 1980’sย box in a shabby part of south Austin. I went to ACL back in 03′ it wasn’t that bad! I’m from Austin and so is all my family from like 3 or 4 generations ago. If I feel home sick I watch Dazed and confused bcuz I can see parts of old Austin from 93′ again. I’m corny that way. Great article tho.


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