Dear Sheryl Crow:
With the 2016 Election Day looming, I woke up yesterday with one, singular thought burning in my brain. No matter how much candy I ate, how many naps I took or how long I stared at my own reflection in the mirror, I simply could not get this question out of my head.
“WHAT ARE SHERYL CROW’S THOUGHTS ABOUT OUR ELECTION CYCLE?”
I mean sure, Sheryl, we know you love to soak up the sun. And that all you wanna do is have some fun. But somehow, that information seems incomplete. Whenever I accidentally listen to hackneyed nineties pop, something inside me demands to dig deeper into the singers motivation. I mean, when you say “soak up the sun” are you telling us to go outside and have fun? Or is it some kind of veiled reference to our inevitable demise under the ruthless reign of global warming? Is “everyday” really a “winding road” or are you just lobbying for more federal funding for your own local infrastructure?
So. Many. Questions.
Luckily, today I got a bit more insight into your, uhh… “point of view” when I read that you started a petition to shorten our election cycle. At first, that idea seemed strange to me, because you know how famous people are all amazingly well educated, huge fans of free speech and super tolerant of disperate perspectives. They never want to censor anyone who disagrees with them or force their own points of view on the public. So I was thinking to myself… Why would this songwriter/hippie/advocate of freedom want to limit the dialogue of the American election cycle? It seemed so WEIRD to me, because everyone knows that entertainers are not only intellectual giants/experts on Constitutional law, they are the last people who would try to suggest that less information is better! Because they are never mouthpieces for the billion dollar corporations who promote them. They are all about the little guy having a voice! Right????
Here’s the thing, Sheryl. You’re a singer.
You used to sing.
And some of your songs were kind of kitschy. And catchy. So I suppose that gives you a nostalgic forum of some type. Kind of like the way I sometimes hear Downtown Julie Brown babble on SIRIUS when I’m super busy texting and driving and can’t change the station fast enough. But the thing is, Downtown Julie Brown doesn’t try to tell me that I don’t need to hear the full story about our election process. And do you know why that is? Because she doesn’t know jack shit about it. And neither do you.
Plus, she’s British. So she thinks our election process is illegitimate anyway. But you get what I’m saying.
Do us all a favor. Have your agent find you a gig in Branson. Keep strumming those same two chords you’ve been playing since fifth grade, and let us all regain the visual of you getting down on Lance Armstrongs one remaining ball with your Forrest Gump chompers for old times sake.
And stay the fuck away from politics.
PS. I substituted your petition for the “one square” of toilet paper I was going to use to wipe my ass last night. You’re welcome.