DEAR INSTAGRAM

 

Dear Instagram:
Do me a favor, ok? Inbox me and let me know which picture I posted that led you to believe that I have any interest in this dreadful eyesore that keeps popping up in my feed, so that I can immediately remove it.

At first, I thought Lionel was vigorously pointing outward to draw attention away from the corpse remaining from a freshly committed homicide of a hooker he had strangled after she mistook him for a rapidly aging Derek Jeter. But upon closer inspection, I realized that the corpse was actually just the remains of Mariah Carey’s career. So I’m not entirely sure WHY Lionel is pointing, but something tells me that he’s most likely directing any human  who wants to attend a show taking place in the year 2017 to the nearest Drake concert.

Whatever the case, don’t just slow down. Stop. It’s not me you’re looking for.
SS

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