Dear Fox Fuckers:

I am no fan of “mainstream” media. Their artificial reality carefully manufactured over decades has created a world where we face the constant threat of imminent extinction unless we pay a carbon tax (because every great scientific solution has been government funded…) Wait, make that “NO great scientific solution has ever been government funded.” You know. Except for the atomic bomb, (always a crowd pleaser…) but the left still needs you to pay POST HASTE because somewhere in the future global warming might actually matter. A world where accurately describing a persons appearance in order to solve or prevent crime is considered racist. A world where Michael Moore has forums to discuss ANYTHING beyond the best places to find ill fitting clothing that force viewers to stare at his FUPA. Disturbing. The entire process is so mind numbing and irrational, I do my best to avoid all “mainstream” sources of information available.

When Fox News came onto the scene, there was potential for the requisite counterweight to the absurd. A right uppercut to the jaw to “balance” the left side dirty kidney punches of all the other news organizations combined. As with any business built around the idea of influencing public opinion, (see: church), people get tired of the same old stale message…”Wait. Jesus did what? Really? That seems suspect. Let’s keep digging…” (see: Morman church). So some Australian dude with major league saggers decided to get ahead of the curve and put some RIGHT leaning American propaganda out to the world. Not because he believed any of it. Because he knew it would sell.

And sell, it does.

Under the guise of uhh…umm… “fair and balanced” (sidebar: Is that “fair” as in “even handed” or “fair” as in “light skinned” or “fair” as in “a place where people go to watch hackneyed performers, sweat and eat fried lard in 100 degree weather?” So many unanswered questions.)  I won’t even attempt to understand the balanced part, because that requires suspending reality and indulging in the fantasy that subjectivity can, in fact, BE balanced. (SPOILER ALERT: It cannot)

But I digress.

Where was I? Oh yes. The old fucker who decided that the left was cornering the market on all propaganda that wasn’t the Bible. Enter: Fox News. You brought us guys like Sean Hannity, the dickwad (whose head is fortuitously ACTUALLY SHAPED like a penis #naturalselection), the guy you spent your entire high school life avoiding since he thought he was smarter than you because he won every argument he had at forced family gatherings with his deaf cousin who speaks English as a third language. Glen Beck, the guy whose conspiracy theories are better than most whackos because he uses a CHALK BOARD so you can SEE the genius unfold, instead of merely hearing it while you take a shit and read the back of whatever empty box is in your bathroom garbage can. He ALMOST convinces himself, and you, until about thirty seconds before the big reveal, when he shoots his sour load on your stomach because he goes limp right before penetration. Such a tease, that guy. Kimberly Guilfoyle, the automaton whose pre-Fox resume included sucking off Gavin Newsom until he got sick of looking at her alien forehead while pretending to listen to her talk in between hummers and replaced her with some newer model robot with a less annoying voice (aka sounds less like Marge Simpson on helium.)  And, of course, the mack daddy of them all – Bill “Motherfucking” O’Reilly.

When I was in college, future baby daddy prognosticator Maury Povich hosted a show I used to catch on occasion while visiting my parents in New York, called “A Current Affair.” I know. It sounds like it was the biography of all male democratic leaders since JFK. But no. This show was, in fact, a local New York gossip column translated to television. Like “Page Six” or “Gawker”, except you had to actually listen to people read the stories instead of glancing briefly at them through the turds your dogs dumped on last weeks paper. Eventually, the show was syndicated, inspiring competitors to pop up faster than you can say “herpes sores.” One notable was called “Inside Edition, anchored by former “weather hunk” one Mr. Bill O’Reilly, who then somehow parlayed talking about things like Joey Buttafuco (born after 1985? Google it. It’s kind of like “buttfuck” except with less intimacy) and Pamela Smart into a seemingly legitimate news gig.

O’Reilly is no dummy. He went to HARVARD. That’s right. THAT Harvard. The one that everyone who goes there always has to tell you about otherwise you would automatically assume they were just an everyday, regular asshole instead of taking comfort in the knowledge that they are actually an Ivy League trained, professional asshole. And as we all know, no one understands the average person better than a Harvard educated New Yorker. So FINALLY, the working class guy got a spokesman! THANK GOD!

I will admit. I like Dana Perino. I also liked Greta. Gun to the head (which is kind of sketch, because now that I think about it, Greta’s facial expression is strikingly similar to the afore mentioned Mary Jo Buttafuoco, post facial blast. Has anyone actually ever seen those two in the same room together? Hmm…) Anyway, gun to the head, I would watch Greta. But beyond that, Fox targeted a particular niche of the American viewing audience who had grown weary of left wing elitist paranoia, uncontrolled federal government expansion, the cloying lie of doing it all “for the children” and egregious use of condescending, manufactured language who ALSO happened to be white, educated, employed and born before 1965. You know. Those “patriots” more interested in right wing elitist paranoia, uncontrolled federal wire tapping #thanksgiuliani (but only for “those people”), the undercover sexism of doing it all “for the unborn children” and egregious use of condescending, manufactured language.

In the same way prescient rappers the “Beastie Boys” warned us that we needed to “Fight” for our right to party, two old, aggrieved white fuckers, Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes, feeling the pinch, set out to fight for an illusion of fairness. Kind of like the way the federalists and anti-federalists pretended to fight for rights, except for the rights of women and slaves. Apparently that concept just sort of “slipped their minds”. (#oops) These two wrinkled sacks have now made a fortune using Fox News to exploit people who have made a fortune exploiting other people. And in the process, Fox convinced said people that there IS such a thing as a “spin free zone”, while simultaneously denouncing “safe spaces.” Both of those false constructs sound like brainwashing bullshit to me. Fox also convinced a considerable segment of the population that an aging, white Irish Ivy League guy has the best interest of diverse people in mind while he delivers his (barf) “talking points” designed to let us all know how to be super smart like he is. And (perhaps most astonishingly) they convinced Megyn Kelly that she is attractive enough to pull off short hair. She isn’t.

No small feat.

Or is it?

I mean, is it anything MORE than a small feat to give the people what they want?

Last night, I had what I would consider to be the most unsettling experience of my adult life other than that one time I thought I had a full package of Oreos set aside for breakfast but then awoke to find there were only, like, three broken cookies left. I deigned to enter the “spin free zone”, and learned, much to my horror, that these Fox fuckers live up/down to their reputation! And then some. This was DEFINITELY a spin free zone! For over two hours, I was regaled with the most sexist, racist, sophomoric attempts at cultural observation and humor I have ever experienced. And that’s including that one time I accidentally sat through an entire Dane Cook show while sober! The thing is, there WAS no spin! AT ALL. The content was openly archaic and offensive. As opposed to the chronically unfunny Bill Maher and sanctimonious Jon Stewart on the left, who at least PRETEND to be interested in people who aren’t white with a withering cock. I’ve got to hand it to Fox. Much like Charles Manson and Kanye, you guys just lean into it! You took credit for some of Trump’s success. You found time to praise both Bill Clinton and Obama, yet rip HRC another new asshole (as if Bill hasn’t turned her ass into a colander already by leaking her emails to Assange. #oldnews) You fat shamed those dumb cunts on “The View” (and make no mistake, they ARE DUMB CUNTS but you aren’t exactly hot. #physicianhealthyself.) So why even mention looks? Yet, somehow you “didn’t understand” why people make fun of Trump’s small hands. (HINT: They’re saying he’s no Obama from the waist down. You’re welcome!) You suggested that Somalians rode their “camels” to long term parking, left them there to go to Hawaii but then faked confusion because “it’s colder in Hawaii” than it is in Somalia so, you know, WHY COME TO HAWAII??? (HINT: FREE ELECTIONS. Maybe you read about those at Harvard. Plus, you know DROUGHT…)

All along, the entirely white audience, median age of about sixty, laughed and cheered. Women laughed. While you ripped exclusively into their gender. I mean, I have no problem with ripping into women. I once called my own mother a cunt. She deserved it. Because she was REALLY being a cunt. I am cunty all the time. So, you know, whatever. I have no problem with calling women out. Or with humor. Only you aren’t calling women out. Or being funny. You’re just being yourself. Asserting the white, male colonial perspective. And dragging Trump in with you. Only he doesn’t say the things you say. He rips EVERYONE. Not just women and the occasional minority. You are doing EXACTLY what mindless tripe like “The Daily Show” and that inexplicable horseshit “Samantha Bee” do on the left. Making shit up. The difference is, YOU are claiming to be fair. Or fair skinned. Or at the fair. I’m not sure exactly which.

In your defense, we ARE in Omaha. So the last two seem to be pretty much a given.

Please do the civilized world a favor and change your catchphrase from the “no spin zone” to the “No! Spin Zone!!!

Oh, and fuck off. You’re giving Trump a bad name.

If that’s possible.


PS. Like I said when your handler informed us that you would be “fist bumping” instead of shaking hands at the meet and greet, “he’s got it half right” #shoveit

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