DEAR NOT SIENNA MILLER

Dear Not Sienna Miller:
Listen, I’ve been there. You sucked enough cock and starved yourself by eating ramen noodles every night for a month until you had stashed enough money to buy your very first $2000 + Burberry Runway coat, and have been dying for the right occasion to wear it. Fortuitously, it started raining today.  So you threw on $300 wellies and decided to bust out your new look at Centennial Parks “420 Festival.” Then, you get here and everyone else is wearing 99 cent ponchos, tank tops and broken Tevas. 

It’s a royal pisser.

Kind of like the copious amounts of urine you’re currently standing in. 

Here’s the thing. Weed, 4/20, and all the hype that goes along with it SEEMS really fashionable right now. But, unlike your double breasted, AA cup homage to Twiggy, drugs are NOT a trend. They are a lifestyle. They’re here to stay. I’ve never been a drug user, but I respect that they have their own culture. If I invade their space, I don’t do it in couture clothing. Your coat WILL be riddled with blunt holes, cocaine residue, beer backwash and possibly even jizz from that one guy who has eaten so many mushrooms, he forgets where he is and jacks off behind you. 

Here’s a tip: 

420 is not just a reference to smoking weed, it’s ALSO supposed to encompass the entire amount of cash you spend on your festival outfit. 

$4.20.

I saw a chick with Christmas lights strung from her head to her waist, a large white mans v neck t shirt, dolphin shorts and bare feet walk by a few minutes ago. Go find her and ask her to give you an emergency makeover. 

You’re welcome. 

SS

PS. Oasis broke up before you got your first nose job. Remember? 

Don’t look back in anger. 

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