Dear Republicant’s:

Guess who’s back? The REAL Slim Shady! Everyone’s favorite dickbags, the GOP!!! And just like that raging case of anal herpes you got from that one hot chick at the stripclub who turned out to be a dude, they’re every bit as painful and embarrassing this time as they were eight years ago when you got ass rammed the first time!

You know what is SO GREAT about the Republicans?


No, no. That’s too easy. What is amazing is that for them, its like time has stood still. Literally. Motionless. Much like the sex they have with their spouses. One minute, it’s 2017 and the next, with virtually no effort, we are magically transported back to 1817. Powdered muffs are all the rage. In fact, EVERYTHING seems to be getting whiter! Old white fuckers are making all the rules. And OTHER old white fuckers are going to get rich because of those rules. God tells them all what to do, which is lucky for them because without him as a scapegoat, everyone would immediately realize that they have no legitimate rational basis for their policies beyond greed and an unnatural proclivity towards forcing others to do everything that they themselves will never do. It just SOUNDS so much better when you say that God inspired the old “Catch 21” where you demand to save Down Syndrome babies from the abortion hook, but then exclude them from insurance coverage because they are BORN with a “preexisting” condition. Because if there’s anything God hates, its preexistence! You know, if there was such a thing.

And really, who can blame him? Who in the FUCK do those Down Syndrome asshole babies think they are hogging an extra chromosome #21 and then expecting billionaire insurance titans to assist them in ANY way that might endanger quarterly earnings? I mean, talk about SELFISH! These old fuckers need affordable viagra so they can use their rotting sperm to create Down Syndrome babies that they then force their mistresses to abort while simultaneously demanding that abortion be illegal! They can’t tacitly encourage anyone to actually HAVE a Down Syndrome baby by whittling deductibles down to ten thousand dollars a year when premiums are a paltry fifteen hundred dollars a month for a married couple! This isn’t a fucking free ride! You can’t just do whatever you want, pay a premium to hedge against it, and then cash in when things don’t go your way! That’s ridiculous! WHO WOULD EVER BELIEVE THAT LOAD OF SHIT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK?


Every insurance company in the fucking world?


Ok. So maybe their whole take on health insurance is a little fucked up. At least they were kind enough to do away with the inhumane practice of time and a half pay for overtime and replace it with (spoiler alert:) MORE VACATION!!! Because what could be more fun than earning extra vacation days by busting your ass at a low paying job and then having no extra money to fund it!

I know! ANAL HERPES!!!

Just don’t tell your insurance company you have the same preexisting condition that all the buttfucker Republicans in congress have because that shit will get you NOWHERE with this healthcare plan.

For real. I. Can’t.


PS. Fuck you guys. Seriously. You are LITERALLY the worst people in the world.

Except for Bruce Jenner.

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