DEAR BANANARAMMER: 

Dear BananaRammer: 
There was once a time when Southwest Airlines was the gold standard for cool, funky, laid back flying. Herb Kelleher parlayed something that was typically a stuffy, uptight nightmare into a kitschy, lighthearted free for all; complete with stampede seating and employees who appeared to actually enjoy their jobs. Jokes were part of the schtick, and the customer was in on the riff. It was like… “hey guys, we know this sucks. Let’s just cop a good attitude and make the best of it…” and the staff led by example. Their attitude was infectious. When you flew Southwest, it was basically the airline equivalent of the family truckster. So bad, it was good. 

Flash forward 25 years, and this company, much like Congress, is now overrun with substandard, lazy, entitied hacks like you. So bad that you’re just SO bad. Not Michael Jackson “Bad” where the experience was still predicated on a certain amount of open irony and tongue in cheek with the audience, (ok, uhh… maybe not the best Michael Jackson reference, tongue in YOUR OWN cheek, not tongue wedged in between MacCauley Culkins ass cheeks.) I mean, MAYBE it’s the same thing. But your constant scowl tells me that you aren’t having much fun. And if you can think of rimjobbong MacCauley Culkin as anything LESS than humor? You need to report to your new job as head fact checker for CNN/ Rachel Maddow-Sean Hannity hairdresser post haste.

But I digress.

There was a time when Southwest flight attendants actually aided passengers in placing bags into bins, made light conversion, smiled and didn’t allow their bloated status as potential future Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloon/spokeswoman for menopause supplements, to cause them to take their bitter life disappointments out on unsuspecting regular customers who pay more than you earn in a week to jam themselves into a coffin on wings with a bunch of other people whose decision making revolves around paying a premium in the hopes that they can cancel their flight without penalty and never see any of you again. There really IS no other salient reason at this point to book a flight on Southwest. We all do it so we have the option to get the fuck out of the contract at any time and avoid you fuckers altogether. That’s your current business model. You’ve gone from “we’re all in this shitty thing together” to “we are total dicks who make something shitty shittier, BUT! We offer refunds!”

Here’s a tip:

When the customers overriding goal is to find a contract they can enter into then break with you, you’re probably not meeting the customers needs. How much is it worth to you to NEVER see your in laws again? That much? That’s what I thought. 

Double it. 

To say that my expectations of your airline are low at this point, seems superfluous. It’s sort of like saying that somehow you still expect men to pretend that they care what your last name is after you blow them (with teeth) and then want to have a lengthy chat about some shit that went down with your best friends cats anal fistula surgery that somehow went tragically wrong and resulted in her housekeepers daughters boyfriend getting deported but the thing is he’s white and who knew that white people can get deported? 

So, you know, I wasn’t exactly expecting anything ny the way of actual, measurable service from you.

What I was ALSO not expecting? You standing  there staring at a petite young girl trying to lift her bag up into a bin without offering to help, and then admonishing me when I tried to help. Warning me to “be careful not to smash my bananas” which were apparently in the bag next to mine. Then following up your criticism by sighing audibly, stomping over and securing your own bag in a separate bin, therefore depriving another paying customer of space, remarking “there’s nothing worse than smashed bananas.”

Are you sure? Nothing? 

Except, maybe, flying on Southwest. 

It would appear you had enough strength and spare time to take care of your own bag, but neither of those things were available to you merely seconds earlier to help the struggling, paying customer who was too short to reach the bin.

Hmm… 

I don’t approve of fat shaming. I have weighed over 200 pounds as an adult, myself. And I actually don’t care at all how much people weigh. But what I’m going to say, is that no one on the plane believes that you have “bananas” in that fucking bag. If I had to guess I would think it was something more like a banana shaped dildo that you were afraid would become inadvertently activated. Or maybe your favorite butt plug that you use on a search and destroy mission for whatever is permanently wedged up your asshole. Your striking resemblance to “Dog the Bounty Hunters” wife Beth, was not lost on me. Whatever the case, you are absolutely terrible at your job. The worst. Modern day passengers have all been brainwashed to buying into the lie that flight attendants are there for “our safety”, but it’s maneuvers like this that let the general public know with 100% certainty that you will be the person pushing all the passengers out of the way so that you can get your ass out first. (If it fits.) And fuck everyone else when shit goes south. You’re literally the last person in the world who I would rely on in a physical crisis. Well maybe not the last, that honor would probably go to somebody like Larry Flynt or Stephen Hawking. But you know what I mean. You are the last person with full use of their legs who I would rely on in a physical crisis. Yet, oddly, that skill literally defines your job! So I’m a little confused. 

Do the public a favor and quit right now. Get a job at a credit card call center, become a preschool teacher, maybe a secretary at a church. Jobs where everybody’s lives are already ruined. It’s 6 o’clock in the morning and nobody needs your self-centered, shitty attitude to start our day.

Either that or get a smaller butt plug,  jam it up your ass as soon as you get on the plane so that you feel the sense of relief that you are clearly seeking and can lighten the fuck up.

I’m pretty sure you can get them on eBay. There are some that were used as torture devices for years in the Philippines originally manufactured and sold by the US government, so you know they’re good. Look into it.

You’re welcome. 

SS

PS. Yelling at me while I was trying to take this picture that “it is it illegal to take my picture without my consent” is a straight up lie. But the audible laugh I received from the other passengers when I said… “Uhh… No. But even if it was, it is certainly not illegal for me to take my own picture.”  Almost made this experience worth it. Almost.

PPS. Please bring me extra peanuts. I’m starving. Thanks. 

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