DEAR BACK TO SCHOOL BUTTHOLES


Dear Back To School Buttholes:
It’s that time of year again. That’s right. The time where every American parent of children twenty five years old and under posts a cluster of awkward pictures of their progeny headed back to prison – I mean “school” – for yet another tedious nine months of state sponsored brainwashing. And just like every other artificially imposed milestone we have in this country, it is fucking meaningless.  



Before you bother asking, yes, I CAN believe that another year has flown by. Do you know why? Because I always have super deep thinkers like you fuckers to let me know. I mean, hey, without your constant reminders of socially imposed structural measures, I might not view my life that way at all! In fact, I might simply enjoy my life, day by day, oblivious to the concept of achievement on the spectrum of a mass linear scale. I might think that every day offers multiple opportunities to demonstrate knowledge, growth, athleticism, obedience (barf), good citizenship and (if you’re lucky) an occasional epic practical joke. I might think that there are numerous ways to learn. That any place you go can become a classroom if you are open to growth. That all the kids in my neighborhood whose parents shacked up in the same area mine did, and their corresponding perspectives, are not actually representative of what the world has in store for me.

But noooooo…

Every August the predictable lamentations roll in.

To wit: … time is going too fast… it seems like only yesterday that she was a baby… how can he already be in ninth grade? It doesn’t seem possible… why do they grow up so fast? She will always be my baby… and (my favorite) I wish they could stay little forever…

Uhh…  I don’t. Little kids suck. They ask too many questions and contribute virtually nothing. You can’t cuss around them, they can’t cook their own food or drive. And EVERYTHING is always about them. “Mommy, I need you to tie my shoes.” “Mommy, I don’t like this cartoon, that Cartman kid is mean. Can’t we watch Dexter’s Laboratory instead?” “Mommy, it’s three in the afternoon when are you going to get out of bed?’

It’s fucking endless.

Here’s the thing. Each of the nearly twenty four years I have been a parent has seemed like AT LEAST 365 days. Some years, (mainly the middle school torture chamber era), seemed like 1000 days. I don’t know what kind of built in sieve everyone else’s brain seems to contain, but it most certainly does NOT seem like “yesterday” that my child was a baby. I remember the important shit, like the time she rolled off the changing table because I turned around to answer the phone, the fact that she sat in her crib and chattered at me until I let her out no matter what time of day or night it was and (most importantly) that she was headbanging to “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” and quoting “Ren and Stimpy” by age two. Or the four step “revenge plot” my younger one hatched up against her preschool teachers aide when she was three because said aide dared to admonish the child for holding hands during carpool pick up.

Do I remember even one of their grades or test scores? I do not. I DO remember my younger one telling her sixth grade English teacher that she “hates to read” and fighting me every year to get out of advanced math because the class was “all nerds” and not one of her friends was in there. She was instructed to find smarter friends.

I’m still waiting…

But I digress.

Progress is rarely linear. That we feel the need to force that illusion of a continuum on children from birth, with stupid shit like “Mommy and Me” and scheduled “play dates” (that’s right, I’m a player hater, so fuck off) all the way through Phi Beta Kappa (which sounds like what Caesar used to give Brutus at the end of a reacharound) and “double majors” is absolutely suffocating. People get things when they get them, ok? There is no age limit. Some people never get anything. So what? Where’s the inherent greatness in understanding the system? I see the financial reward in understanding the system. But there’s no moral imperative here.

Using arbitrary timeframes to measure success is, in itself, a failure. That certain people show a proclivity towards conformity is not necessarily a benefit to society. And there is no more irritating measure of conformity than the institution of the American school. Except for church. (That’s why I just blew it out and sent mine to Catholic school so they could learn to resent both forms of authority in half the time. #germanefficiency)

Do us all a favor. Enjoy the fact that your children are becoming independent and save the histrionics for important shit, like your daughters third pregnancy scare or that time your son gets caught vaping on the band trip to the Ozarks, then bullshits his way out of it, but then gets pulled back into it because it turns out he quit his job at Chili’s over a year ago and became a drug lord.

You’re exhausting.

SS
PS. Did I tell you my daughter is on the honor roll?

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