DEAR STATUE LIBERATORS

Dear Statue Liberators:

I get it. Believe me. I am NO FAN of the man. It’s like, everywhere you go in this country, you have to be reminded of some shit some fucker did, like forever ago, you know, as if NOTHING has happened since our Founding umm … “Fathers” (seems partronizing) blew into various places, killed all the native fuckers whose rules they didn’t respect, then killed a bunch of British fuckers whose rules they didn’t want to follow, and then turned around and made up an entirely new set of rules that we all still fight about.  And it’s not like you can get away from these ancient blowhards. Their faces are on our money, states that didn’t even exist (see: Washington) when they were alive bear their names and are comprised of numerous roads, towns, buildings et al, which serve as constant reminders of the greatness which was colonial America, pre-Civil War America, pre-Civil Rights America, pre-politically correct America. 

You know. The REAL America.

The America where there was no such thing as our current “Vulgarian in Chief” – a white, Ivy League educated son of a wealthy family who rose to prominence by mastering his public relations arena. No, no. These men were better than that. They were white, Ivy League educated sons of wealthy families who rose to prominence by mastering their respective public relations arenas. And owned slaves. And viewed their daughters as chattel. And took, like one bath a week. 

You know. GREAT men. 

Men like Abraham Lincoln. A populist and self proclaimed Republican, (capital R) who used the force of the federal government in a blood soaked attempt to prevent individual states from seceding from the union. Ask yourself this. Did America really NEED the south? Aside from the ports and agricultural revenues, what good was the south to the culturally superior north? I mean, it’s not like anyone in New York swells with pride over the thought of what goes on in South Carolina. (Well…not until they want a smoke, or their kids flat line all their respective Ivy/New England collegiate options and are exiled to the College of Charleston on a partial field hockey scholarship.) And let’s face it.  An ultra progressive place like Boston does NOT want to know that an ass backwards place like Texas even exists. (Uhh… not until they need competitively priced gas, or a steak to pair with one of those super humanely tanked live lobsters that they execute on demand for $70 a pop.) Plus, you know, GEORGIA (prison colony)… it seems like Honest Abe COULD have just let them go, man! I mean, why harsh their vibe? The people had spoken, dude! They wanted out! 

What is an American president to do? Hmm… maybe use an executive order to suspend habeas corpus? Or maybe, use, like fifty executive orders over two years!!! 

That seems extreme.  You know, just because you’re the president and everything that doesn’t mean you get to just use executive order to force Louisiana to tighten up their game and behave more like New Hampshire. Geez. I mean, that shit really pisses people off. People start doing things like calling the president a dictator and threatening his life. 

Wait. What?

You mean Abraham Lincoln, THE Abraham Lincoln, our sainted, slain savior used EXECUTIVE ORDER to force some states to do what people in other states wanted them to do? 

Next, you’ll be telling me he started drafting civilians, forcing them to carry out the demands only of one branch of the government! 

WHAT A DICK!!!!

But he freed the slaves!!! Right?? I mean, it doesn’t matter HOW he did it. He did it! I mean, sure that wasn’t exactly, totally WHY he suspended everyone’s constitutional rights in the beginning. But by the end? They were freed! (They also had no place to live, but that became Grant’s problem…)  So here’s an idea. Let’s plaster his fucked up face all over the country! Let’s put him on more than one form of currency. Let’s erect a huge monument to him. Let’s name a bunch of towns and streets and schools after him. We did it for Washington, and all that asshole ever did for us was tell the British to fuck off, refuse to become a king, and cockblock Ben Franklin from taking over literally EVERYTHING IN AMERICA. (I mean, how many things can one person invent/discover/write in one lifetime? STEP OFF, BF!!! We get it. YOU’RE SMART!!! Leave some for the rest of us. WTF? #antitrust) 

Here’s the thing. 

Lincoln was a dick. That’s how he got to be president. Just like every other asshole who has ever run this country. Think about any organization you have ever belonged to. Think about who ended up being the “president” of that organization. Was that person humble? Or did that person become a leader because he believed he was the best person to tell every other loser in his wake how to think? I’m not sure who decided that humility was even a good quality, let alone a quality of leadership, but rest assured, the latter is a fallacy. Humble people do NOT invoke fifty executive orders over two years. That would be like the president of your home owners association trying to annex the housing development next to you, (because all the home owners associations in your neighborhood needed even more fake levels of authority, so they formed one big HOA and elected your guy to administrate) then forcing all you fuckheads to get on your riding lawnmowers and form a blockade to stop them from going to Safeway instead of Ralph’s and then claiming in the aftermath that it was in the name of immigration reform because Safeway employs more Mexican-American’s than Ralph’s does. 

In other words, Lincoln was just a guy. Like the doucher you elected to enforce parking regulations in order to keep your property values high. 

Another guy, who was just a guy? 

Robert E. Lee, commander of the Confederacy who is depicted in this statue behind me. And Lee was ALSO a dick. A West Point dick. Which is really next level when compared to the Ivy’s. Lee was such a dick, in fact, that he told Lincoln to fuck off instead of becoming a top commander of the Union army. Lee proclaimed loyalty to his home state of Virginia, and, by default, the Confederacy. 

Both of these men were prominent in American history. One, a winner by today’s standards. One, a loser. And for whatever reason, millions of tax dollars have been used to plaster images of these two, and numerous other men (and one or two women) all over America. And for some reason, people are JUST NOW realizing how fucking stupid this idea has always been. For this latest controversy, I have only one question:

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG???

We are not a nation of men. We are a nation of ideas. Lincoln mastered despotic leadership and was ultimately rewarded with the enduring legacy of being the most admired leader in our nations history. Why? Because AMERICANS did the right thing. Europeans brought slaves to America, and some generations later, Americans freed them. Lincoln has little to do with it. But no politician can allow the public to realize that ideas are the magic! So we HAVE to keep pledging our “patriotism” to actual people. Otherwise, these elected dickbags would be out of business. No one needs a monument to Lincoln. No one needs this statue. It’s just some dude on a horse. Despite their shortcomings, the shortcomings that ALL men possess, the saggy cockmasters who wrote our constitution did one thing very right. They made that document both strong and fluid. It is because of that document, and the ideas that it encompasses, that Americans have the freedom to build this statue. And the freedom to tear it down. 

No flag, statue or monument to any man is needed when we have a document that lets our ideas continue to be freely expressed. 

Everyone who is desperately clinging to these shrines? Relax. You’ll be dead before any real change ever takes place. It took a century before Jim Crow was busted, and it will take another before the effects of the ‘war on drugs” (Jim Crow2: Electric Bugaloo) are eliminated. No one is “taking” anything from you, ok? You can have as many Al Hamilton/FDR/ML King/Chavez/Ruth Bader Ginsburg replicas you want to have in your house. You can make the confederate flag into a tampon so you can feel at one with the old South while you “capture” your uterine lining. You can make a sex doll that looks exactly like Harry S. Truman, and demand that he “drop the big one” on your chest while you listen to the Star Spangled Banner. 

Stop fighting over stupid shit. Notice that no one is trying to tear down the Liberty Bell. 

Think about it.

SS

PS. Would somebody PLEASE tear down the Liberty Bell? That fucking crack kills my OCD. Thanks.

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