Dear White People:

Believe me. I understand. I am usually the whitest person in any situation I enter. I’ve never really had a tan. I am of Scandinavian descent (inbred), sometimes when I get my hair bleached, I become opaque if they leave the foils on too long. I grew up in the Midwest. I laugh too hard at my own jokes. It takes me a while to catch on to my surroundings. You know.

I’m a fucking dork.

So I understand better than anyone how boring it is to be relegated to the “White/Caucasian” box of every single form and application you fill out. I mean, why you? Everybody else gets to have some kind of cool mixed race or at least a noticeable distinction based on ethnicity! Meanwhile there you are, just plain. Vanilla. White.

What to do? Hmmm…

Enter Anne Wojcicki, the super smart ex-wife of super extra smart Google founder Sergey Brin. Google decided that it wasn’t enough to merely collect every human beings personal information in a massive internet drag or from a distance with creepy robot cameras. That shit is for for amateurs. (Thanks Homeland Security!) Its not like we have that pesky Fourth Amendment to contend with anymore! At this point, stop and frisk is basically a prerequisite to any kind of decent Grinder hookup! Where is the excitement in that? So one day, Anne decided to use her “superpower” (Ivy League Degree) to figure out a way to get people to VOLUNTARILY turn their DNA over to absolute strangers!

I know!


This is an idea! And it turns out that people actually do it! All it took, was some well placed commercials sprinkled in between television shows that target people with low to zero self esteem, (e.g. The Kardashians, The Bachelor, Hannity, 60 Minutes) and give them a reason to believe that their life choices are not their doing! No! They have been misunderstood from the beginning! Then, they receive a kit with supplies (SCIENCE!!!) swab their cheek with some kind of a large Q-tip(TM), then place it in some kind of a Baggie(TM), and mail it somewhere! I don’t know where, but it’s somewhere! I feel like it probably ends up in some dudes basement in South Jersey, but that’s just me. Then, whatever is left in the parcel undergoes a rigorous battery of tests that may or may not include South Jersey jizz.

Don’t get too excited. Your DNA doesn’t turn into sea monkeys or anything cool like that.

One might think that given Googles’ staggering information gathering capabilities, a person could expect to have his results back almost instantly! But, alas, that is not the case. There would be no credibility in that! After the amount of time has elapsed that science type people decide is a good amount of time needed to convince the average person that rigorous tests have been completed, (which, not coincidentally, is roughly the same amount of time it took me to get a bobblehead of my husband made ) the results become available.

That timeframe?

SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS. Yes. Google needs you to wait six to eight weeks. Here’s a tip. They’re fucking GOOGLE. Ok? They can make shit up in a sixth of a second. I think six to eight weeks is more likely the amount of time it takes Google lawyers to decide how much to reserve for their quarterly lawsuit settlement cache for when this horseshit eventually implodes.

After the customer has waited this inexplicably random amount of time for the validation he needs in order to go on living, some kind of ultra techy report is generated, allowing the person to (SPOILER ALERT) – !!GO ONLINE!! to access said report and effectively tell everybody he knows, that he is no longer white!

I mean. He looks white! He acts white! He gets all the benefits of being white! His parents are white! His children are white! He owns a maltie-poo! He drives a mini van! But despite all compelling evidence to the contrary, these lucky “23 and Me” cult members, I mean, “customers” are now able to check the “other” box on various forms and applications they fill out with a clear conscience!

Wait. What???

You mean there’s no more significant control on the system than that?! A person can hack up a lougie, send it across the country and change races? Well, not exactly. This test is FDA APPROVED! Like quaaludes, GMOs and Vioxx! So you KNOW it’s legit.

White people, we’ve had a good run. We perfected the instrument of insurance, the biggest scam in history. We sneaked both disco AND line dancing into the American consciousness. We made it seem normal to eat bananas and peanut butter on Wonder Bread. Plus, you know, Caitlyn Jenner.

It’s time to let it go.

You are white. I know it’s hard, but there are support groups available to you. They are called “every business, church, school and organization in America.”

Google it.




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