Dear Peasants:
As the politically turbulent year of 2017 draws to a close, I have but one simple wish. That we, as a nation, can put aside our differences and band together to banish the ultra pretentious and mind numbingly empty phrase “MASTER CLASS” from our collective vocabulary.

First of all, what, exactly, IS a master class? Never mind that the phrase sounds like the precise description of racial or gender domination by one group over all others. A class where you can go so some asshole can tell you why he is a “master” at life! Which basically requires that everybody else be a supplicant. I can maybe see how on some level, ostensibly, there are super smart people in this world who both “understand life” (or at least some specific aspect of life that seems imminently important/lucrative) AND have copious access to publicity, so the rest of us fuckups need bow down to their greatness. But, you know, FUCK THAT. I don’t really CARE how or why they do anything. These “masters” do what they do because in someway, they benefit. Just like everybody else.

It’s really not that difficult concept to, ummm… “master.”

Most of the things that I’m good at, I’m just good at, I’m not sure how much anybody has ever taught me about those things. (Plus, WHO CARES?) and improvement of the things I’m terrible at, (of which there are many) would result in an enormous opportunity cost requiring me to forfeit time I could spend refining my natural skill set, in favor of attempting to glean some carefully crafted, overly simplified, stale life mantra from a person I don’t know, who isn’t telling the whole story.

I kind of feel like my best uhh… “master class” has been my continual proclivity towards making colossal mistakes.

In short, the only “Master Class” I may be interested in, if I lost a bet/got abducted and had to attend a planned group activity, would be one where a bunch of burned out bottom feeders tell me how they manage to navigate their daily lives outside the system. I don’t really give a fuck how anyone learned to “master” life in a society that forces compliance from preschool through the death tax. I mean, the guideposts are all there. Capitulate. Figure out how to fit in. Don’t question the status quo. Get good grades. Go along with the program. Never say things to people who make life decisions based on the opinions of some dude who calls himself “Bill Nye, The Science Guy”/ Neil “DeAss” I mean “DeGrasse” Tyson like… ” I appreciate science, but at the end of the day, isn’t EVERYTHING humans do predicated in some manner on a leap of faith? Isn’t the whole point of science to understand that you’re wrong and keep an open mind to evolving solutions?”

That kind of sass will never get you to master level. Don’t get crazy and start believing you can think for yourself. Instead, let the MASTERS tell you how to think! BONUS: They tell you during CLASS!!! Who among us doesn’t yearn for an opportunity to demonstrate continual inferiority by voluntarily submitting to contrived personal lore that has zero relevance to anyone except the speaker while enjoying the awkwardness of a shared submissive atmosphere?

Fellow peasants, let me remind you of the names of some of history’s most effective “Master Class” instructors. They were not people like Gandhi, Jesus, or Nelson Mandela, who lived lives of courage, humility, compassion, and led by example. That short sighted behavior doesn’t have the makings of a “Master Class!” Those are merely lives well lived!

“Master Class” instructors aren’t satisfied with the possibility of getting some people to see their amazing wisdom organically. Masters PLAN! These tyrants have to force their concepts/will on everyone within listening range, no matter how oppressive, outdated or tiresome their ideas become. Said gurus include such luminaries as: Adolf “One Ball” Hitler, Josef “Anything Hitler Can Do, I Can Do Better” Stalin, the original Captain Obvious/New World ADHD Champion Benjamin “NBD I Only Invented Everything In America No Really Don’t Sweat It Guys I Will Just Be Over Here Alone Wearing The Same Outfit I Wear Every Day, You Know, Because I Don’t Have Time For A Personal Life Like You Since I Am Obsessively Documenting Things That Literally Everyone Else Notices And Calling Them Discoveries” Franklin, Oprah “I Finally Retired (PSYCH!)” Winfrey, and, of course, Larry King.

Those “don’t worry about what I do, just let me tell you what to do” kinds of “Masters.” And what’s so GREAT about these particular life mentors, is how they all seem to know exactly what everyone else should be doing! One may hope that their guidance would be revolutionary, or profound. But basically, they all have only one thing to let the rest of us commoners know:

Life is hard.

Uhh… NO. SHIT.

Thanks for the update. Two thousand years of wars, plagues, disease, famine and unbridled human brutality were virtually meaningless to me until I heard Steve Harvey tell me he used to live in a car. (SIDE NOTE: Does anyone want to live in a world where Steve Fucking Harvey is referred to as a master of ANYTHING? No? That’s what I thought…) But rest assured, these assholes always have a plan for how you can be more like they are! Except for the part where they get to make all the decisions. In that way, you know, life remains hard, so get in line and stop being such a pussy.

I, for one, say… enough already! If I want to be told what to do by people I wouldn’t even talk to if we were all trapped in an elevator together for a week, I would have never left my parents house. It’s almost 2018. Whoever came up with this overused bullshit term needs a “Master Class” in originality.

You know, if originality was something that could be taught.

Or mastered.


PS. Also, please let me know when you offer a Master Class in how to never take a Master Class. Thanks.

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