DEAR PEASANTS 

Dear Peasants: As the politically turbulent year of 2017 draws to a close, I have but one simple wish. That we, as a nation, can put aside our differences and band together to banish the ultra pretentious and mind numbingly empty phrase “MASTER CLASS” from our collective vocabulary. First of all, what, exactly, IS a master class? Never mind that the phrase sounds like the precise description of racial or gender domination by one group over all others. A class where you can go so some asshole can tell you why he is a “master” at life! Which basically requires … Continue reading DEAR PEASANTS 

DEAR WHITE PEOPLE

  Dear White People: Believe me. I understand. I am usually the whitest person in any situation I enter. I’ve never really had a tan. I am of Scandinavian descent (inbred), sometimes when I get my hair bleached, I become opaque if they leave the foils on too long. I grew up in the Midwest. I laugh too hard at my own jokes. It takes me a while to catch on to my surroundings. You know. I’m a fucking dork. So I understand better than anyone how boring it is to be relegated to the “White/Caucasian” box of every single … Continue reading DEAR WHITE PEOPLE

DEAR STATUE LIBERATORS

Dear Statue Liberators: I get it. Believe me. I am NO FAN of the man. It’s like, everywhere you go in this country, you have to be reminded of some shit some fucker did, like forever ago, you know, as if NOTHING has happened since our Founding umm … “Fathers” (seems partronizing) blew into various places, killed all the native fuckers whose rules they didn’t respect, then killed a bunch of British fuckers whose rules they didn’t want to follow, and then turned around and made up an entirely new set of rules that we all still fight about.  And … Continue reading DEAR STATUE LIBERATORS

DEAR HURRICANE HARVEY HEROINE

  Dear Hurrricane Harvey Heroine: I don’t have very many life goals. Or any. But if I DID, being a big enough badass to be chilling in a recliner, rocking a Flashdance style  off the shoulder top, wearing no bra, and calmly finishing a needlepoint project as filthy flood water rises, threatening to choke the life out of me, would be at the top of the list. You are my new life mentor/only old person I like since my grandmother died at age 101 on the heels of winning her nursing home Wii Bowling Championship. Get it, grandma. SS PS. … Continue reading DEAR HURRICANE HARVEY HEROINE

DEAR BACK TO SCHOOL BUTTHOLES

Dear Back To School Buttholes: It’s that time of year again. That’s right. The time where every American parent of children twenty five years old and under posts a cluster of awkward pictures of their progeny headed back to prison – I mean “school” – for yet another tedious nine months of state sponsored brainwashing. And just like every other artificially imposed milestone we have in this country, it is fucking meaningless.   Before you bother asking, yes, I CAN believe that another year has flown by. Do you know why? Because I always have super deep thinkers like you … Continue reading DEAR BACK TO SCHOOL BUTTHOLES