Dear Kathy Griffin:  I never thought I’d live to see this day. Where I’m kind of, sort of, marginally on your side on ANY topic. I mean, I’ve suffered through the ravings of a lot of shitty comedians in my life due to my extreme disdain for social order, love of dark rooms and bizarre desire to suck down two glasses of water with a quarter shot of generic mad dog in each simultaneously to meet the two “drink” minimum while freezing my ass off and being treated like garbage by 70 year old waitresses with emphysema.  To wit: (but … Continue reading DEAR KATHY GRIFFIN


Dear Chris Cornell: Today, I am a man. With the whole gender fluidity thing the young ones are bringing to the mainstream, limiting myself to being a women seems a bit outdated. At first, I didn’t quite get it. I mean, I am a girl. I have a vag, a pretty expensive rack and have birthed two babies. But yet, I have never been one to grasp the nuances of being a chick. So I can understand the concept of gender on a continuum. You are how you feel.  And today, for the first time ever, dude, I feel like … Continue reading DEAR CHRIS CORNELL


Dear Noam Chompsky: It’s not every day in 2017 that I get to sit across from someone on a plane who blows through his own copy of The Economist, The Wall Street Journal AND Scientific American all in one sitting. As a lover of financial markets, science, and a former magazine/periodical addict, I have to say BRAVO! Way to keep it old school!  As a person with functional ears, however, I must insist that next time, try to see if you can pull this off WITHOUT chewing at Mach 3; mouth agape, rhythmically munching whatever you have jammed in your … Continue reading DEAR NOAM CHOMPSKY


Dear Not Sienna Miller: Listen, I’ve been there. You sucked enough cock and starved yourself by eating ramen noodles every night for a month until you had stashed enough money to buy your very first $2000 + Burberry Runway coat, and have been dying for the right occasion to wear it. Fortuitously, it started raining today.  So you threw on $300 wellies and decided to bust out your new look at Centennial Parks “420 Festival.” Then, you get here and everyone else is wearing 99 cent ponchos, tank tops and broken Tevas.  It’s a royal pisser. Kind of like the … Continue reading DEAR NOT SIENNA MILLER


Dear Fox Fuckers: I am no fan of “mainstream” media. Their artificial reality carefully manufactured over decades has created a world where we face the constant threat of imminent extinction unless we pay a carbon tax (because every great scientific solution has been government funded…) Wait, make that “NO great scientific solution has ever been government funded.” You know. Except for the atomic bomb, (always a crowd pleaser…) but the left still needs you to pay POST HASTE because somewhere in the future global warming might actually matter. A world where accurately describing a persons appearance in order to solve … Continue reading  DEAR FOX FUCKERS


Dear Sheryl Crow: With the 2016 Election Day looming, I woke up yesterday with one, singular thought burning in my brain. No matter how much candy I ate, how many naps I took or how long I stared at my own reflection in the mirror, I simply could not get this question out of my head. “WHAT ARE SHERYL CROW’S THOUGHTS ABOUT OUR ELECTION CYCLE?” I mean sure, Sheryl, we know you love to soak up the sun. And that all you wanna do is have some fun. But somehow, that information seems incomplete. Whenever I accidentally listen to hackneyed … Continue reading DEAR SHERYL CROW