DEAR WHITE PEOPLE

  Dear White People: Believe me. I understand. I am usually the whitest person in any situation I enter. I’ve never really had a tan. I am of Scandinavian descent (inbred), sometimes when I get my hair bleached, I become opaque if they leave the foils on too long. I grew up in the Midwest. I laugh too hard at my own jokes. It takes me a while to catch on to my surroundings. You know. I’m a fucking dork. So I understand better than anyone how boring it is to be relegated to the “White/Caucasian” box of every single … Continue reading DEAR WHITE PEOPLE

DEAR STATUE LIBERATORS

Dear Statue Liberators: I get it. Believe me. I am NO FAN of the man. It’s like, everywhere you go in this country, you have to be reminded of some shit some fucker did, like forever ago, you know, as if NOTHING has happened since our Founding umm … “Fathers” (seems partronizing) blew into various places, killed all the native fuckers whose rules they didn’t respect, then killed a bunch of British fuckers whose rules they didn’t want to follow, and then turned around and made up an entirely new set of rules that we all still fight about.  And … Continue reading DEAR STATUE LIBERATORS

DEAR BACK TO SCHOOL BUTTHOLES

Dear Back To School Buttholes: It’s that time of year again. That’s right. The time where every American parent of children twenty five years old and under posts a cluster of awkward pictures of their progeny headed back to prison – I mean “school” – for yet another tedious nine months of state sponsored brainwashing. And just like every other artificially imposed milestone we have in this country, it is fucking meaningless.   Before you bother asking, yes, I CAN believe that another year has flown by. Do you know why? Because I always have super deep thinkers like you … Continue reading DEAR BACK TO SCHOOL BUTTHOLES

DEAR BANANARAMMER: 

Dear BananaRammer:  There was once a time when Southwest Airlines was the gold standard for cool, funky, laid back flying. Herb Kelleher parlayed something that was typically a stuffy, uptight nightmare into a kitschy, lighthearted free for all; complete with stampede seating and employees who appeared to actually enjoy their jobs. Jokes were part of the schtick, and the customer was in on the riff. It was like… “hey guys, we know this sucks. Let’s just cop a good attitude and make the best of it…” and the staff led by example. Their attitude was infectious. When you flew Southwest, … Continue reading DEAR BANANARAMMER: 

DEAR REPUBLICANT’S

Dear Republicant’s: Guess who’s back? The REAL Slim Shady! Everyone’s favorite dickbags, the GOP!!! And just like that raging case of anal herpes you got from that one hot chick at the stripclub who turned out to be a dude, they’re every bit as painful and embarrassing this time as they were eight years ago when you got ass rammed the first time! You know what is SO GREAT about the Republicans? Nothing? No, no. That’s too easy. What is amazing is that for them, its like time has stood still. Literally. Motionless. Much like the sex they have with … Continue reading DEAR REPUBLICANT’S

DEAR CAPITALIST PIGS

Dear Capitalist Pigs: I like money. And I like freedom. Growing up in America, you operate under the delusion that somehow these two ideas can peacefully coexist. You get older, your tax bill hits 40% all in, and you begin to understand that they absolutely can not. You must exchange one for the other. This is how wealthy, business minded dudes came up with incredibly insightful one-liners such as “time is money” and “pimpin’ ain’t easy” both of which mean exactly the same thing. The “time is money” fuckers are decidedly less honest about their motives than the “pimpin’ ain’t … Continue reading DEAR CAPITALIST PIGS