Dear Back To School Buttholes: It’s that time of year again. That’s right. The time where every American parent of children twenty five years old and under posts a cluster of awkward pictures of their progeny headed back to prison – I mean “school” – for yet another tedious nine months of state sponsored brainwashing. And just like every other artificially imposed milestone we have in this country, it is fucking meaningless.   Before you bother asking, yes, I CAN believe that another year has flown by. Do you know why? Because I always have super deep thinkers like you … Continue reading DEAR BACK TO SCHOOL BUTTHOLES


Dear BananaRammer:  There was once a time when Southwest Airlines was the gold standard for cool, funky, laid back flying. Herb Kelleher parlayed something that was typically a stuffy, uptight nightmare into a kitschy, lighthearted free for all; complete with stampede seating and employees who appeared to actually enjoy their jobs. Jokes were part of the schtick, and the customer was in on the riff. It was like… “hey guys, we know this sucks. Let’s just cop a good attitude and make the best of it…” and the staff led by example. Their attitude was infectious. When you flew Southwest, … Continue reading DEAR BANANARAMMER: 


Dear Kathy Griffin:  I never thought I’d live to see this day. Where I’m kind of, sort of, marginally on your side on ANY topic. I mean, I’ve suffered through the ravings of a lot of shitty comedians in my life due to my extreme disdain for social order, love of dark rooms and bizarre desire to suck down two glasses of water with a quarter shot of generic mad dog in each simultaneously to meet the two “drink” minimum while freezing my ass off and being treated like garbage by 70 year old waitresses with emphysema.  To wit: (but … Continue reading DEAR KATHY GRIFFIN


Dear Chris Cornell: Today, I am a man. With the whole gender fluidity thing the young ones are bringing to the mainstream, limiting myself to being a women seems a bit outdated. At first, I didn’t quite get it. I mean, I am a girl. I have a vag, a pretty expensive rack and have birthed two babies. But yet, I have never been one to grasp the nuances of being a chick. So I can understand the concept of gender on a continuum. You are how you feel.  And today, for the first time ever, dude, I feel like … Continue reading DEAR CHRIS CORNELL


Dear Noam Chompsky: It’s not every day in 2017 that I get to sit across from someone on a plane who blows through his own copy of The Economist, The Wall Street Journal AND Scientific American all in one sitting. As a lover of financial markets, science, and a former magazine/periodical addict, I have to say BRAVO! Way to keep it old school!  As a person with functional ears, however, I must insist that next time, try to see if you can pull this off WITHOUT chewing at Mach 3; mouth agape, rhythmically munching whatever you have jammed in your … Continue reading DEAR NOAM CHOMPSKY


Dear Republicant’s: Guess who’s back? The REAL Slim Shady! Everyone’s favorite dickbags, the GOP!!! And just like that raging case of anal herpes you got from that one hot chick at the stripclub who turned out to be a dude, they’re every bit as painful and embarrassing this time as they were eight years ago when you got ass rammed the first time! You know what is SO GREAT about the Republicans? Nothing? No, no. That’s too easy. What is amazing is that for them, its like time has stood still. Literally. Motionless. Much like the sex they have with … Continue reading DEAR REPUBLICANT’S