DEAR NOT SIENNA MILLER

Dear Not Sienna Miller: Listen, I’ve been there. You sucked enough cock and starved yourself by eating ramen noodles every night for a month until you had stashed enough money to buy your very first $2000 + Burberry Runway coat, and have been dying for the right occasion to wear it. Fortuitously, it started raining today.  So you threw on $300 wellies and decided to bust out your new look at Centennial Parks “420 Festival.” Then, you get here and everyone else is wearing 99 cent ponchos, tank tops and broken Tevas.  It’s a royal pisser. Kind of like the … Continue reading DEAR NOT SIENNA MILLER

DEAR CAPITALIST PIGS

Dear Capitalist Pigs: I like money. And I like freedom. Growing up in America, you operate under the delusion that somehow these two ideas can peacefully coexist. You get older, your tax bill hits 40% all in, and you begin to understand that they absolutely can not. You must exchange one for the other. This is how wealthy, business minded dudes came up with incredibly insightful one-liners such as “time is money” and “pimpin’ ain’t easy” both of which mean exactly the same thing. The “time is money” fuckers are decidedly less honest about their motives than the “pimpin’ ain’t … Continue reading DEAR CAPITALIST PIGS

DEAR BABYMAMA

Dear Babymama: I feel ya, sister. There you are, standing in the middle of the desert/ocean/mountains/trailer park wearing ill fitting garments with your stomach distended, containing a live human who in a matter of weeks is either going to be cut out of you with the force of a knife, or pushed out of your slowly expanding wax clown lips. Yuck. Yet, somehow, everyone keeps telling you you’ve “never been more feminine”, you’re “glowing” and that your husband/baby daddy/ future ex/sperm donor has “never been more attracted to you.” Guess what? They’re all lying. Exactly no one is attracted to … Continue reading DEAR BABYMAMA

 DEAR FOX FUCKERS

Dear Fox Fuckers: I am no fan of “mainstream” media. Their artificial reality carefully manufactured over decades has created a world where we face the constant threat of imminent extinction unless we pay a carbon tax (because every great scientific solution has been government funded…) Wait, make that “NO great scientific solution has ever been government funded.” You know. Except for the atomic bomb, (always a crowd pleaser…) but the left still needs you to pay POST HASTE because somewhere in the future global warming might actually matter. A world where accurately describing a persons appearance in order to solve … Continue reading  DEAR FOX FUCKERS

DEAR STUPID SPICE

  Dear Stupid Spice: I think I just heard you tell some other dumb whore that you could somehow “just tell” that this losers “hair was a mess” ergo you “didn’t want to even OPEN” your Snapchat for fear of what you might see. Now, apparently you are in crisis, unable to decide whether or not to call him when you get home, even though you “don’t care that much” what happens. Wait. What? That was your only problem with this event? A glimpse of possibly messy hair? First of all. Physician, heal thyself. You’re not exactly cutting edge with … Continue reading DEAR STUPID SPICE